Lima Oscar Victor Echo

We've moved!

2010-06-24T10:17:00.000-05:00

Well, our blog did anyway.

Jak(ofhearts)

I'm still trying to figure out wordpress so it will probably be a little bit longer before I'm actually blogging again.

See you there!

-------

The main reason I've moved blogs is to protect our last name as much as I can.

I don't know what I was thinking, having it as part of the domain name.

I'm pretty happy with our new blog name, but I'm going to save the explanation of it for my first post as a wordpress blogger!

wordless wednesday

2010-06-16T13:31:00.000-05:00

♥ At TCH snuggling with my one week old miracle ♥

Streams in the Desert

2010-06-15T20:04:00.001-05:00

I'm babysitting a good friend's little girl this week.

This is all I have time for :)

Plus it sums up everything that's going on in my heart.

June 15

God has made me fruitful in the land of my suffering. Genesis 41:52

A poet stands by the window watching a summer shower. It is a fierce downpour, beating and pounding the earth. But the poet, in his mind's eye, sees more than a rain shower falling. He sees a myriad of lovely flowers raining down, soon breaking forth from the freshly watered earth, and filling it with their matchless beauty and fragrance. And so he sings:

It's not raining rain to me - it's raining daffodils;
In every dripping drop I see wildflowers upon the hills.
A cloud of gray engulfs the day, and overwhelms the town;
It isn't raining rain to me - it's raining roses down.

Perhaps you are undergoing some trial as God's child, and you are saying to Him, "O God, it is raining very hard on me tonight, and this test seems beyond my power to endure. Disappointments are pouring in, washing away and utterly defeating my chosen plans. My trembling heart is grieved and is cowering at the intensity of my suffering. Surely the rains of affliction are beating down upon my soul"

Dear friend, you are completely mistaken. God is not raining rain on you - He is raining blessings. If you will only believe your Father's Word, you will realize that springing up beneath the pounding rain are spiritual flowers. And they are more beautiful and fragrant than those that ever grew before in your stormless and suffering-free life.

You can see the rain, but can you also see the flowers? You are suffering though these tests, but know that God sees sweet flowers of faith springing up in your life beneath these very trials. You try to escape the pain, yet God sees tender compassionate for other sufferers finding birth in your soul. Your heart winces at the pain of heavy grief, but God sees the sorrow deepening and enriching your life.

No, my friend, it is not raining afflictions on you. It is raining tenderness, love, compassion, patience, and a thousand other flowers and fruits of the blessed Holy Spirit. And they are bringing to your life spiritual enrichment that all the prosperity and ease of this world could never produce in your innermost being. J.M.M.

Songs across the Storm
A harp stood in the calm, still air,
WHere showers of sunshine washed a thousand fragrant blooms;
A traveler bowed with loads of care
Struggled from morning till the dusk of evening glooms
To strum sweet sounds from the songless strings;
The pilgrim strives in vain with each unanswering chord,
Until the tempest's thunder sings,
And, moving on the storm, the fingers of the Lord
A wonderous melody awakes;
And though the battling winds their soldier deeds perform,
Their trumpet-sound brave music makes
While God's assuring voice sings love across the storm.

no limitations

2010-06-12T22:38:00.001-05:00

You know how you hear and see warnings with just about everything these days?

I bet you never noticed it before, but almost everything says to not do/take/use if you have a heart condition.

Every time I am confronted with one of those warnings, I make a mental note.

"Allie can't do that."

Not in a sad way just in a "good to know" way.

I'm tired of thinking about all the things she can't do.

When we were given the choice to either go down the road towards transplant or towards the surgeries, we chose the transplant because it would give her a fuller, richer life. She might be here longer if we went with the surgeries, but her life would be bogged down with doctor's visits, medicine, and a very long list of things that she was unable to do.

We want her to get the most from life. We want her to have no limitations.

And here I am limiting her.

Aliyah can

run.

climb a moutain.

go fishing.

dance.

watch clouds with me on a sunny afternoon.

listen to the rain fall.

learn about Jesus.

read books with her Momma.

fly a kite.

go snorkeling.

swim with her friends.

learn to sew.

bake cookies.

travel.

go to college.

The things she is able to do far outweight the things she can't do.

Heart transplants, especially in infants, are too new for the doctors to give us any long term data on life expectancy. Denver Children's is following a young lady that was transplanted as an infant from the same diagnosis Aliyah had. She is now in her 20's and going to college.

In another 5, 10, 20 years the advancements in medicine may give Aliyah a life well into her old age.

She could get married, have children.

For now, we have today. I won't let her today be dictated by what she can't do

because

Aliyah can.

7 months

2010-06-12T18:14:00.000-05:00

My miracle is 7 months old.

Seven.

She's closer to a year old than a newborn.

I'm so not okay with that.

Those big blue eyes have captured my heart.

Side note, if I didn't tell you that her scar is visible above her shirt, I bet you'd never know.

She's so much more active and involved in her world.

It's a really good thing she's not walking yet.

I think she'd already have covered herself in paint.

Allie and her bunny on her one month birthday.

She was such a little pip squeak.

Newborn outfits swallowed her tiny broken body.

Now she lifts the bunny.

If she could walk I think she'd carry that bunny around.

She has grown so much in such a short amount of time.

Happy day, big girl.

Thinking of our donor family.

We wouldn't have had this last month with her if it wasn't for you.

Flashback Friday

2010-06-11T13:59:00.000-05:00

This is one of my favorite pictures of John and I. We were at Gettysburg, at the site of the battle of Little Round Top.

John is a huge Civil War "fan"

can you even say you're a fan of war?

and being from Maine makes this battle his ultimate favorite.

Seeing John explore the exact location where his childhood hero fought so many years ago is one of my favorite memories.

We were driving a Budget truck full of our stuff from Maine to Colorado.

We took a "detour" to see Gettysburg.

Really it was super out of our way.

Our plan to only stay one afternoon turned into two days and one night.

We stayed at a haunted hotel, drove around the whole park, walked the town at night, and ate breakfast at the worlds cutest coffee shop.

It was a fabulous trip.

the coffee shop

the town

the cemetery

the artifacts

it's my blog and I'll cook if I want to

2010-06-10T11:31:00.003-05:00

Hubby came home yesterday with a binder as big as a law book.
I would know. I spent a good chunk of time helping best friend organize the entire State of Maine's law books.
I swear, I've never seen so many freakishly huge, old and dusty books in my life.

He plopped it on the counter.

THUD

Is that what I think it is?

Yep.

OH MY GOSH!
CONGRATULATIONS!

Confused?

That ginormously huge binder is studying material for the promo board.

Still confused?

Hubby is up for promotion, which works a littttle bit different in the military than in the real world.

In short terms, he has to pass a test that contains any and all the information in the ~~law book~~ binder

and

pass a PT test.

The thud of the binder symbolized the need for my husband to lose a lot of weight and really get in shape for that PT test.

He had two surgeries in the last 10 months, one on each shoulder, which hindered him from just about every physical activity. In addition to post-op recovery, we spent months eating hospital food.

You know the phrase "body by baby"?

We have "body by cafeteria food".

I'm sure you're wondering where I'm going with this.

He has until July 30th to lose a pretty good chunk of weight so he can be promoted.

You cannot be overweight in the military.

Have you ever seen a fat soldier?

Not that my hubby is fat, but we're both definitely out of shape.

So we're embarking on this journey called eating really, really, ridiculously healthy.

Hubby is an insanely picky eater.

INSANELY.

Which makes cooking healthy next to impossible, especially since I can't really cook to begin with.

I can make any cake, pie, cookie, brownie, whatever desert you throw at me.

Grilled chicken? Oven roasted veggies? Not without a recipe and a half-ton of confidence.

So I've spent the morning scouring the internet for the kind of recipes that make you go

That looks healthy

instead of

That looks delicious!

Example?

Fried beans with sorrel, feta and sumac

vs.

Chicken Pot Pie

If I watch who reads my blog, most of them are woman and the majority of them are married.

What married or unmarried woman doesn't want to eat healthier?

I have yet to meet a woman that doesn't think she has some weight to lose.

And even if you are the skinniest thing in the world

and I see you and immediately hate your jeans size

we can all be a little bit healthier.

With summer coming, I can't think of a better time to try to get my family in the habit of eating things that are more God-made than man-made.

All that to say,

if we try a recipe that is something I would've never ever made before and it ends up being a huge hit

I'm totally going to post it.
I'm not planning on turning this into a cooking blog or anything but be prepared for recipes.

I hope you're okay with that.

So far, my favorite looking healthy recipe is Grilled Shrimp with Lime & Cilantro

Maybe this eating super healthy thing won't be so bad after all.

clinic says ... 06/08/10

2010-06-08T11:46:00.000-05:00

She now weighs 14 lbs 7 oz and is 25.5" long.

Little piggy.

She has a normal EKG and is in sinus rhythm.

Never in her history as a transplant coordinator has she seen a post-transplant patient in normal sinus rhythm.

Go Allie, go!

Echo looked great, CBC was perfect.

Waiting on Neoral results!

This is our last week going once a week. We've graduated to twice a week now!

I can't believe how far she's come. Twice a week to twice a month.

God is good!

my desire

2010-06-07T11:38:00.010-05:00

When I wrote this I was playing the song mentioned on repeat the entire time.
Scroll to the bottom of this post and play the video while you read it.
It will help you hear my heart.

I've become so good at ignoring God.

I've been so good at pretending my daughter is fine,

like what we've watched her go through was no big deal.

"My daughter had a heart transplant at 2 months old. Yeah, it was scary. Want to go to Target?"

I can feel the need to proclaim God's goodness, to keep being real about the daily struggles I face - the panic attacks, the nightmares, the lack of sleep, the almost certain need to be medicated,

the hopelessness, the helplessness, the brokenness, the loneliness, the desperation, the struggle.

But who really wants to hear that? No, it's much better to look at cute pictures of my growing miracle and the fun things I did this weekend.

My life is fine. I'm fine. Aliyah's fine. Everything is wonderful.

Right?

Wrong.

I've deleted membership to those "praying for sick children" groups on Facebook because I don't want to hear about Hailey that died 2 months after her parents burried their only other child or Noah that died at 53 minutes old or Makenna that died from the same diagnoses Allie had or Cora that died at 5 days old while nursing or Aiden that died after his first surgery at 19 days old. Or Layla, Eve, Pierce, Zoey, Jethro, Hogan.

Not because I don't care but because I can't deal with the heart break that is a result of caring this much.

Because their faces, their parents haunt my thoughts.

I can't escape the heartbreak.

Every time I turn around someone is dying. Someone is burrying a child. Someone is dealing with something I want to pretend I have nothing in common with.

I don't want you to hear this as pride or ignorance but as heartbreak.

I want you to see the tears streaming down my face.

I've been ignoring this daily heart break.

Not healing, not coping, not going to the Lord with it, just pushing it aside.

Because who really wants to deal with all of this?

Not I, said the mouse.

I heard this song today and it made me realize that I can't be used by God unless I let him empty me, unless I give him permission to continue to break, to continue to dig up and out my biggest fears and arguments and distractions and worries.

I need to become a woman that falls face down at the Lord's feet and says

Use me

regardless of the emotional toll it will take on my heart.

I give you all of me.

I give you all my fears.

This is my desire.

God, make this my desire.

To be used by You.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalms 34:18

the explaination

2010-06-06T17:07:00.000-05:00

There is a very specific reason why my blogging has been so sporadic lately.

Other than Allie hurling on the lap top.

I've been trying to get an Etsy shop open!

key word: trying

While my lap top was out of commission I spent my time being creative. One project led to another, which lead to a stack of fun artsy things that I am itching to get on Etsy.

the one that started it all

custom for mrs griffin

unfinished

custom for my Mommy

So that's what has taken my time up lately. I have a thousand ideas running through my head. I'll be sure to let you know when the shop is stocked - and maybe even do a giveaway!

May

2010-06-06T16:55:00.000-05:00

I totally slacked off with the picture taking last month

but I'm pretty sure you'll be shocked at how ginormous my daughter is.

playing with her favorites

being silly with Daddy

my little baker

at least she knows that it goes in her mouth

playing with her new jumpy toy

fashionably late

2010-06-03T15:23:00.002-05:00

I just realized that it's June 3rd, and I'm two days late at announcing the winner of my giveaway!

I wrote the names of everyone that entered on pieces of paper, put them in Hubby's PC(patrol cap) and Aliyah picked the winner! It was more fun to do it this way than random.org.

Plus you get to see pictures!

At first she didn't think anyone should win.

but we talked it out and I got her to pick one.

She wanted to eat it but we again talked it out and she decided to show you
whos' name was written on it first.

Congratulations aimymichelle!
Check your e-mail, girl!

This might have been my first giveaway, but it certainly won't be my last.
Any ideas on what to do next?

Aliyah's birth story

2010-05-27T21:52:00.001-05:00

It's always hard to get back into blogging once you stop, isn't it?
Please notice all the lovely spaces between words.

I a m s o h a p p y .

One of my lovely friends gave birth to the prettiest little girl a few days ago. I realized that with all the chaos that surrounded Aliyah's birth, I never had the opportunity to write out her birth story. As my "back to blogger" post, I'm going to tell you a story full of God's goodness & mercy - and my new best friend that is an epidural.

Aliyah Marie

When John and I went to bed on November 11th, I didn't feel any different. Aliyah had dropped less than a week before so I knew she'd be here soon, but I never imagined that that would be the last night I was pregnant.

At 9:30 pm I felt cramps that were too weak to be noticed unless I was still, which wasn't until I was in bed. At first I thought it was just Braxton Hicks, but after seeing feeling them every 2-3 minutes, I knew it was different.

I woke John up and said

"Hey, I might be in labor."
Which is, of course, the very thing my anxious, trying to fall asleep husband wanted to hear.

We spent the next 1/2 hour googling the differences between real labor and fake labor, praying that I wasn't, at 35 weeks, about to have this baby.

"Well, wake me up if the contractions get stronger. I really don't want your water to break in bed."

Sure babe, I'll do my best to make sure that doesn't happen.

At 1 am, I woke up because I felt like I had to pee. Not even 30 seconds after that thought crossed my mind, I felt something pop down there.
Sorry, did I forget to mention that this is a birth story, and might be a little too much for some people?

All I could think was,
There is no way I just peed my pants.
which, if you've been pregnant, you know how close you've come to doing just that.

I stood up as fast as I could and as soon as I got fully out of bed
pop
and there went my water.

I shimmied to the bathroom to make sure it really wasn't pee
because it was 0100 and you could convince me amniotic fluid looks like green jello at that time in the morning
and it wasn't.
it wasn't pee, that is. or green jello.

So I shimmied back to the bedroom because your water doesn't just break and you're done.
It keeps leaking out until you deliver.
a fact that I was completely unaware of until I was at the hospital asking the nurses when it would stop. a fact that I made sure to tell just about every woman I saw - pregnant or not - to make sure they were prepared.
but I'm the only one that didn't know.

I wake John up.
"Honey, my water just broke."

I wish you could've seen him fly out of bed and stare at the sheets like he expected them to be saturated.

Lucky for him I could move pretty fast for a pregnant lady.

Since we were planning on having a home birth, we called my midwife. She told me exactly what I was dreading - a home birth is illegal at 35 weeks, and I would have to go to the hospital. There was a little bit of a bloody color in the amniotic fluid, so she advised us to head to the hospital asap.

We arrived at 2 am, and I was in room by 3. I was 2 cm dilated and not really feeling any contractions at that point. I wanted to try to sleep, but my mind was racing with frustration.

I hate hospitals. Fear is probably a better word. I'm not going to get into the reasons, but let me assure you that simply mentioning delivering in a hospital literally scared the contractions out of me. I was so frustrated that my body turned off labor. I didn't notice more than 2 or 3 contractions until about 6 or 7 in the morning but because my water broke, I was exactly where I needed to be. They started me on penicillin for group B strep. It was too early in my pregnancy to test for it, so they took a precautionary measure and gave me 4 doses of it before I delivered.

I was starving but hospital protocol is that you are on a clear liquid diet during labor. Annoying. I told them to let me eat or be prepared to follow me out of the hospital while I find food for myself.
So they let me eat.

Around 10 am contractions picked back up again, but they weren't close enough together to get my cervix to dilate. Pointless pain, folks.

I really wanted to keep things as natural as possible. A man walked in my room around 11 am and without introducing himself said
"I really feel like you need to be on pitocin"

Oh yeah?
I really feel like you need to get your head out of your text books and let my body do what it needs to. thankyouverymuch
Little did I know, that was the man that would catch Aliyah.

Enter Diane.

Diane was our midwife's assistant. She taught our birth class, was at 90% of my prenatals and was a Christian. She has the sweetest temperament and a heart truly devoted to serving the Lord through midwifery. She lived two blocks down from us so when Jean (our midwife) called her to let her know I was in labor, Diane immediately called into work and met us at the hospital. At 2 in the morning. She left around 5 to shower and came back with baby powder (for easier back rubs), bobby pins, blue & black cohosh and subway for my hungry Hubby.

It was also around 10 am that we dove head first into natural ways to help labor progress.
Cohosh tea, nipple stimulation, walks, birth ball, you name it.

Did I mention the back labor?
I think John pushed on my back during every contraction for 5 hours.

Diane prayed out loud over me during each contraction which was more of a pain reliever than I ever thought it could be.
Shane & Shane was playing in the background.

By 3 pm I was only 2 1/2 cm dilated. The cohosh wasn't able to compete with my body stubbornly refusing to deliver in the hospital. I tried to rest. Since I told my body it was time to rest, it just about stopped labor. I went from contractions every 7-8 minutes to every 15 minutes.

It was then that God told me I couldn't do this without help. I knew that they would do a c-section if I didn't have her within 24 hours of my water breaking. I desperately wanted her birth to be as natural as possible, and if the only thing left to be natural was a vaginal birth then that was my goal.

I had heard how intense pitocin contractions were and I knew that if I needed pitocin, I wanted an epidural. I also knew that an epidural could help me relax enough to dilate. We called in our nurse and asked for the anesthesiologist. I figured, if the epidural alone could do the trick then that's one less medication I needed. By 5:30 pm I was only 3 cm. At 6 pm I was given pitocin, and at 6:30 I was 10 cm dilated. 6 cm in 1/2 an hour! By 7 pm everyone was in the room that needed to be.

I wanted John to sit behind me when I pushed. I feel safe in his arms and I wanted to make sure they were around me the entire time I was pushing.

Karen, the sweetest nurse in the world, set a mirror at the end of the bed so I could see my progress.

I pushed for what felt like forever before we could see the top of her head. The mirror was only helpful once we could see her. Before that point all it did was make me feel like we were getting no where.

Once we saw her hair, my motivation was renewed.

"It's going to burn in a minute. You have to push through the burn."

I must have not heard her until after I realized how intense the burn was.

I felt like she was ripping me in half.

With an epidural.

But the burn didn't last long and I did push through it.

We saw a little bulge first and then the rest of her head.

I didn't know it until afterward but John thought the little bulge was her brain being squished out of her head. He was very concerned.

Two pushes after her head and the rest of her body was out.

"DON'T CLAMP THE..."

*clamp*

"I didn't want you to clamp the cord!"

"Well it's too late now. Dad, want to cut it?"

and just like that, my baby was on her own, no longer dependent on me.

She was beautiful.
Not very lively (which makes sense considering her diagnosis - but we didn't know then what we know now) but she was perfect.

She looked right up at me and I fell in love all over again.

While I was falling in love, the ~~jerk~~ doctor was ripping my placenta out of my body instead of letting it separate on it's own and in doing so, he left a piece behind. Just when I thought my sweet 5 lb child was the largest thing I could ever fit in my uterus, he was up to his elbows in my belly scrapping around for this one last piece of placenta. Seriously, he was using what looked like the little mirror dentists use to see inside your mouth.

"You tore a little, so we're going to give you a few stitches."

No, I didn't tear, you tore me with your scrapping and reaching and stretching, idiot.

They took her away to weigh her, measure her, make sure she was breathing.
Check, check, half check.

5 lbs 1 oz, 18 inches long
Entered the world at 8:12 pm

From there she went to the NICU and from there began her journey as a "heart baby".

I couldn't understand why our plan of a home deliver wasn't possible. I kept asking God why, why could we do it naturally? Why did I have to deal with all these stupid nurses waking me up every two minutes to ask if I'm getting any sleep? Why did I have to have that thing strapped to my belly? Why did I have to have that stupid IV in my hand. Why, why, why.

The reason is simple.

If I hadn't delivered her at the hospital, we would've never known she had a heart defect. She would've died and we never would've known why. It took 6 days in the NICU before the nurses and neonatologists even knew that there was something wrong.

God knew.
He knew the whole time where Allie needed to be, where we needed to be.
It was perfect.

Pictures!

tengo.una.problema.

2010-05-10T19:59:00.000-05:00

my.beautiful.daughter.puked.on.my.laptop.

I.have.no.spacebar.and.my.mouse.doesn't.want.to.click.

will.try.to.get.to.mac.store.tomorrow.but.we.have.clinic.so.I.can't.make.promises.

blog.on.hold.until.further.notice!!

giveaway!

2010-05-10T10:30:00.000-05:00

Don't you wish your laptop bag was hot like mine...

http://www.maggiewhitley.bigcartel.com/

I was introduced to Gussy today, when I saw that Ashleigh over at HeartandHome is giving away a $30 dollar gift certificate towards the purchase of which ever of Gussy's ruffley delights you choose. The laptop bag above is my favorite.

If you want a chance to win, head over to Ashleigh's blog and try your chances!

Although, if you win and I don't, I might be mad at you for a while.

MilSpouse Appreciation Day!

2010-05-07T11:41:00.001-05:00

We wait patiently for our hero's and husband's to return from war.

We pack up our homes to go wherever the military sends them.

We learn to speak "military", make new friends and drive a new city.

We get more sympathy then acknowledgment and carry around dog tags more than our purse.

We don't require salutes and we don't wear uniforms.

We know that 3 months of separation isn't long at all.

We can pack a flat rate box like nobody's business.

We know that if the military wanted our soldiers to have a family, they would have issued them.

We've seen first-hand what war can do to people.

We've lost friends.

Our hearts stop when we see yellow ribbons pinned to telephone posts.

"Courteous of the Red, White & Blue"

'nough said.

Our cars have unit patches too.

Our clothes, purses & mugs all loudly let the world know that we've given a hero our heart.

We are married to ~~the military~~ a soldier.

And we wouldn't have it any other way.

dear family,

2010-05-06T16:17:00.003-05:00

I didn't know how to write this letter.

I didn't have the perfect things to say, all I had was emotion & heartfelt gratitude.

I prayed it would be good enough.

Our transplant coordinator read it and e-mailed me back, telling me it was the best one she'd ever read and should be
used as a "poster letter" for donor awareness.

I'm not going to post the entire letter for a while. I want to make sure the donor family is
(other than Carrie) the first ones to read it.

I do want to give you a piece of it though.

"...I remember asking, screaming, "Am I going to lose her??" and the looks on all of their faces that silently told me the answer.

But I didn't lose her.

She's right here, next to me, playing with her fingers, feeling for the teeth that are very slowly making their appearance. She laughed at me yesterday - a deep, happy belly laugh. She is trying to roll over. She loves her bath. She hates rice cereal and anything in her hair.

One of her doctors told us she didn't have 6 months to live without a new heart. She'll be six months old in one week. All the things we are experiencing with her, with our very first baby, it's because of you. Her chest bares the mark of your selflessness, your sacrifice. Every time I see it, I think of you. Every time I feel the heart beat in her chest, I think of you. Every time I watch her echo and can see a four-chambered heart where there was only two, I think of you. Your decision, your child, saved Aliyah's life. We can never thank you enough."

(mostly) wordless wednesday

2010-05-05T12:42:00.002-05:00

Rocky Mountain National Park

I climbed up steep, slush covered rocks in flats to take this picture, you better love it =)

ready or not

2010-05-04T22:11:00.003-05:00

I have a secret.

I know what state our donor family lives in.

I'm not going to tell you which one.
I'm not going to tell you how I know.
But I do.

After UBP10 & the milspouse blog hop, I found a ton of wonderful bloggers
and a lot of wonderful bloggers found me.

It seems that 75% of them are from the same state as them.
Do me the honor of not clicking through every person that follows me, and everyone I follow.
All will be revealed in due time.

Every time I click on a blog, I see the state.
And every time I see the state I remember them.
I'll always remember them.

I haven't written them the thank you letter yet.
I don't have the words.

Mrs. Griffin & I were talking about anything and everything one day.
Like we do most days.

I confessed to her that I have no idea how to thank them for this,
and I was praying that God would help them understand why they hadn't received a letter
from us yet.

She said,
"God will give you the words to say when they are ready to hear it."
Sort of. It was pretty much exactly that.

I loved her for that.

But now I'm thinking,
wouldn't my inadequate words,
words that will never be adequate enough, no matter how much time I give them to simmer,
be better than silence?

So I think I'm going to write them.
Now.
Tonight.

Because I'm as ready as I'll ever be.

fun poems for an awful monday

2010-05-03T14:31:00.003-05:00

How to change a frog into a prince.

Start with the underwear. Sit him down.
Hopping on one leg may stir unpleasant memories.
If he gets his tights on, even backwards, praise him.
Fingers, formerly webbed, struggle over buttons.
Arms and legs, lengthened out of proportion, wait,
as you do, for the rest of him to catch up.
The body, so recently reformed, reclaimed,
still carries the marks off its time as a frog. Be gentle.
Avoid the words awkward and gawky.
Do not use tadpole as a term of endearment.
His body, like his clothing, may seem one size too big.
Relax. There's time enough for crowns. He'll grow into it.

Anna Denise

Twelve things I don't want to hear.

Assemble this in eight straightforward steps.
Start with a fish stock, made the day before.
The drive has arrived but sadly, drunk.
We'll need some disinfectant for the floor.
Ensure all surfaces are clean and dry.
There's been a problem, Madam, I'm afraid!
We'd better have the manhole cover up.
Apologies, the doctor's been delayed.
I'd love to bring a friend, he's so depressed.
They've put you on a camp bed in the hall.
There's just one table left, perhaps you'd share?
I know it's midnight, but I had to call...

Connie Bensley

::GIVEAWAY:: love languages

2010-05-02T15:25:00.017-05:00

::UPDATE::

Letting this giveaway go a little longer than originally planned.

Get the word out by tweeting about this giveaway

leave a separate comment telling me you did so

and you'll get an additional entry!

[or]

Blog about the giveaway
leave a separate comment & the link to your blog
and you'll get another entry.

I've never been good at book reports, so bare with me.

You know how we all speak a different language?
And you know that it's a little difficult to communicate with someone that speaks Chinese when your first language is English?
Well Gary Chapman's book is based on the fact that we all speak a different love language.

I show my husband I love him by buying him a new movie or by telling him how amazing he is.
He shows me he loves me with a kiss.

We're speaking different languages.

Chapman's book, The Five Love Languages, is about learning what your love language is, what your spouses love language is, and the importance of learning to speak it.

The chapters are short, the knowledge is wonderful.
It's the kind of thing that makes you say
Well, that explains a lot.

True love takes an effort that being in love doesn't and I don't know a married person out there that loves their spouse perfectly.

I typed out the quiz for the wife to take, to figure out what her love language is. All you do is choose which of the two statements best represents you. At the end, you count how many of each letter you chose. The letter you chose the most is your love language. If you have two letters that ranked the same, you are "bilingual". It's 30 questions long, and takes about 15 minutes.

Ready?

[one]
Sweet notes from my husband make me feel good. A
I love my husband's hugs. E
[two]
I like to be alone with my husband. B
I feel loved when my husband washes my car. D
[three]
Receiving special gifts from my husband makes me happy. C
I enjoy long trips with my husband. B
[four]
I feel loved when my husband helps with laundry. D
I like it when my husband touches me. E
[five]
I feel loved when my husband puts his arm around me. E
I know my husband loves me because he surprises me with gifts. C
[six]
I like going most anywhere with my husband. B
I like to hold my husband's hand. E
[seven]
I value the gifts my husband give me. C
I love to hear my husband say she loves me. A
[eight]
I like for my husband to sit close to be. E
My husband tells me I look good, and I like that. A
[nine]
Spending time with my husband makes me happy. B
Even the smallest gift from my husband is important to me. C
[ten]
I feel loved when my husband tells me she is proud of me. A
When my husband helps clean up after a meal, I know he loves me. D
[eleven]
No matter what we do, I love doing things with my husband. B
Supportive comments from my husband makes me feel good. A
[twelve]
Little things my husband does for me mean more to me than the things she says. D
I love to hug my husband. E
[thirteen]
My husband's praise mean a lot to me. A
It means a lot to me that my husband gives me gifts I really like. C
[fourteen]
Just being around my husband makes me feel good. B
I love it when my husband gives me a massage. E
[fifteen]
My husband's reactions to my accomplishments are so encouraging. A
It means a lot to me when my husband helps with something I know she hates. D
[sixteen]
I never get tired of my husband's kisses. E
I love that my husband shows real interest in things I like to do. B
[seventeen]
I can count on my husband to help me with projects. D
I still get excited when opening a gift from my husband. C
[eighteen]
I love for my husband to compliment my appearance. A
I love that my husband listens to me and respects my ideas. B
[nineteen]
I can't help but touch my husband when she's close by. E
My husband sometimes runs errands for me, and I appreciate that. D
[twenty]
My husband deserves an award for all the things he does to help me. D
I'm sometimes amazed at how thoughtful my husband's gifts to me are. C
[twenty one]
I love having my husband's undivided attention. B
I love that my husband helps clean the house. D
[twenty two]
I look forward to seeing what my husband gives me for my birthday. C
I never get tired of hearing my husband tell me that I am important to him. A
[twenty three]
My husband lets me know he loves me by giving me gifts. C
My husband shows his love by helping me without me having to ask. D
[twenty four]
My husband doesn't interrupt when I am talking, and I like that. B
I never get tired of receiving gifts from my husband. C
[twenty five]
My husband can tell when I'm tired, and he's good about asking how he can help. D
It doesn't matter where we go, I just like going places with my husband. C
[twenty six]
I love cuddling with my husband. E
I love surprise gifts from my husband. C
[twenty seven]
My husband's encouraging words give me confidence. A
I love to watch movies with my husband. B
[twenty eight]
I couldn't ask for any better gifts than the ones my husband gives me. C
I love that my husband can't keep his hands off me. E
[twenty nine]
It means a lot to me when my husband helps me despite having other things to do. D
It makes me feel really good when my husband tells me he appreciates me. A
[thirty]
I love hugging and kissing my husband after we've been apart for a while. E
I love hearing my husband tell me he missed me. A

A = Words of Affirmation B = Quality Time C = Receiving Gifts
D = Acts of Service E = Physical Touch

My love language is words of affirmation.
I married a man of few words, go figure.

My favorite way to show love is to buy gifts.
which makes no sense in light of what my language is, I know.

Since I love you, I want to buy this book for you!
Not all of you of you, of course.
Just one of you.

There are two ways you can enter to win:

Leave a comment
& tell me what your love language is
[or]
Become a follower
and leave a comment telling me you are.

You get two entries for doing both.

I'll announce the winner ~~May 10th~~ June 1st!
Good luck!

time

2010-04-30T20:17:00.007-05:00

If you know me, you know I'm honest.
If you are new here,
(and have read my introduction post)
I warned you I'm honest.

My Mama and I were talking about how personal you should or should not be when blogging.
We both agreed that the most interesting blogs are the ones that are personal.
The ones that say in big bold letters:

Look how not perfect my life is.

If you remember this post, you know that our lives have been anything but perfect since November and I've been trying to be more real with you about it.

Because real is where it's at.

We don't blog to look at each others quotes, pictures, tickers and side bar fonts.
as cute as they all are

We blog because we want to know we're not the only ones

that change crazy poopy diapers
and wonder how so little food can wreak such havoc on a diaper

get really ridiculously mad
then feel really ridiculously stupid for over reacting

call our best friend for 2 hours venting about secrets
then complain that we don't have time to clean

cry. laugh. love. hurt

Can I be real with you?

I'm not doing so well.

I feel like everything around me is dying:
my faith, my daughter, my marriage.
Especially my marriage.

I feel like my life is in shambles.
Actually, I think shambles look good compared to this.

You spend less time praying and more time vindicating,
less time talking and more time yelling,
less time building up and more time tearing down
and I guarantee you something bad will happen.

Not to be depressive, but please pray for us if you think to.
Life isn't always easy.

There is a time for everything.
For trials, for death, for mourning, for rejoicing.
We'll get there.

Milspouse Blog Hop

2010-04-30T16:46:00.004-05:00

Riding the Roller Coaster is hosting a Milspouse Blog Hop!

If my introductory post sounds a lot like my UBP10 post, that's because it is.

Hi, I'm Kate.

I am an Army wife
but there is so much more to me than that.

I love Jesus with everything in me.
I also love coffee with everything in me.

My husband and I are high school sweethearts.
We've been married for almost 2 years.

I'm a stay-at-home momma.
but I'm never home.

My baby had a heart transplant when she was 2 months old.
She's 5 months old now and is my hero.

I used to study studio art in college.
Life got in the way and I haven't finished my degree yet.

My husband's in the Army.
and is an incredible soldier.

I'm on twitter.
and love it.

I'm never sarcastic, sometimes serious & always honest.

Welcome to my blog.

Pour yourself a ~~ginormous~~ mug of coffee and stay a while.

love.

2010-04-30T15:08:00.000-05:00

dedication

2010-04-29T15:53:00.002-05:00

Aliyah Marie was dedicated to the Lord on
Saturday, April 17th, 2010 at 6:30 pm.

It was a wonderful moment, to pray over our daughter with our church, that we would show her Jesus, that she would know Him at an early age, that she would always show others His goodness, that she would grow up to be a godly woman.

x.x.x.x.x

Dedication v. Baptism

"Dedicated? She's being dedicated? You mean baptized?"

As often as I was asked this, I knew that most people hadn't heard of dedication.

We don't believe in infant baptism.
Do you mind if I tell you why?

Don't worry, I'm not going to get too in-depth with my reasons.
If you want to ask me more about it, please e-mail me.

Aliyah doesn't know she needs a Savior.
She doesn't know she needs to die to her flesh & surrender to the Lord.
She doesn't know Jesus Christ died for her.
She doesn't know she needs to come to Him & ask for forgiveness for her sins.

Do you agree with me so far?
She's clueless. Adorable, but clueless.

The Bible says baptism is a profession of faith, a declaration of dependence. Baptism symbolizes the transformation that takes place when you become a Christian: dying to your self and rising again, becoming a new creature in Christ.

So how can a clueless(but adorable) baby make a public profession of faith?
She can't.

Baptism is something she has to do once she is old enough to understand her need for a Savior, something she'll do after she asks for forgiveness & surrenders to Him.

By bringing her before our church we are saying,
"We are dedicating her life to the Lord. We will raise her to be a godly woman.
We will train her in His ways. We will show her who Jesus is."

Aliyah was dedicated to the Lord in the hope that someday she will confess with her mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in her heart that He died for her sins and will be saved.

Then she can be baptized.

clinic says ... 04/27

2010-04-27T21:22:00.003-05:00

Since Aliyah is 3 months post transplant a few changes will be made to our routine.

Denver Children's want transplant recipients to be the most immune suppressed the first three months, since that is when the greatest risk of rejection is.

Think of it like pregnancy: if you are going to miscarry, it will most likely happen your first trimester. You could still miscarry, but your odds go way down.

Since Aliyah is past that time period, her ideal neoral level drops from 175-225 to 150-200. The more time that passes, the less immunosuppresants she needs.

We also drop down to once a week clinic visits! I'm a little nervous about not going as frequently since I didn't really have to worry about watching for rejection. We were going so often that they would've caught it early enough to treat it. We just need to be extra ~~paranoid~~ watchful as our visits get less frequent.

So clinic today was great. She's reaching out for things now, so "helping" the echo tech is to be expected. It's cute to watch her hold all of her wires. She weighs 12 lbs 6 oz (and is officially a size 2 diaper)!

It's hard to believe that this time 3 months ago I was watching nurses run around to keep her stable since she had just gotten out of the OR.
It feels like a lifetime ago.

Thinking of our donor family. I wouldn't have her tonight if it wasn't for you ♥

the power of love

2010-04-27T14:10:00.002-05:00

A moment worth pausing to record.

The house is empty. The only sound is the humming of my lap top and the buzz my phone makes when I tap a letter. Sunshine is pouring through the wide open windows, reminding me to not spend the day inside. The dog is sleeping at my feet and the baby in my lap. Her binky is half out of her mouth, which is too sleepy to keep it where it belongs. Her left hand found the neck line of my shirt and is holding on tight. Today is her 3 month birthday with her new heart. She hasn't rejected once in a time period when most kids reject 2 or 3 times. Instead of returning my house to a clean state, I'm going to spend it staring at my daughter, marveling at the miracles God has done in her life. The dishes and laundry and the dirt and the bathrooms don't matter. Her life is what matters. Her sweet little life is my world. My clean bathroom won't last, how much I love her will.

Happy 3 month transplant birthday, sweet girl.

Momma loves you.

If I Had My Child to Raise Over Again

If I had my child to raise all over again,
I'd finger-paint more, and point the fingers less.
I would do less correcting and more connecting.
I'd take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes.
I would care to know less and know to care more.
I'd take more hikes and fly more kites.
I'd stop playing serious, and seriously play.
I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars.

I'd do more hugging and less tugging.
I'd build self-esteem first, and the house later.
I would be firm less often, and affirm much more.
I'd teach less about the love of power,

And more about the power of love.

March

2010-04-18T22:31:00.005-05:00

In March we

made silly faces.

took naps.

fell more in love.

cuddled with Papa.

snuggled with blanky.

played with baby feet.

changed dirty diapers.

showed off scars.

picked new bedrooms.

sent off some friends.

packed up our house.

got a crazy hail storm.

looked adorable.

met Yaya Packard.

held hands.

adopted Jaxon.

met Great Grammy Dalores.

and had no time to blog.
Hopefully things will calm down soon.
I miss you, blogger.

baby clothes

2010-04-11T22:46:00.006-05:00

I have so many friends having babies right now so I'm trying to pass on baby clothes.

There are somethings, though, that you just can't give away.

... the preemie outfit she wore in the NICU.

... what she wore on her way to the hospital for transplant.

... and her first Christmas outfit.

I've been so blessed to watch her grow.

outfit on the left - she weighed under 5 lbs
outfit on the right - she weighs more than 11 lbs

It makes me sad to see all these memories being packed away...

... but excited about all the memories we have yet to make.

party time

2010-04-11T20:45:00.008-05:00

Hi, I'm Kate.

I love Jesus with everything in me.
I also love coffee with everything in me.

My husband and I are high school sweethearts.
We've been married for almost 2 years.

I'm a stay-at-home momma.
but I'm never home.

My baby had a heart transplant when she was 2 months old.
She's 5 months old now and is my hero.

I used to study studio art in college.
Life got in the way and I haven't finished my degree yet.

My husband's in the Army.
and is an incredible soldier.

I'm on twitter.
and love it.

I'm never sarcastic, sometimes serious & always honest.

Welcome to my blog.

Pour yourself a ~~ginormous~~ mug of coffee and stay a while.

hope

2010-03-19T20:42:00.003-05:00

clinic says ... 03/18

2010-03-18T16:29:00.003-05:00

... neoral level was low, but they drew it 40 minutes late. If you ask outpatient labs, the BEST time to have only one nurse is first thing in the morning when only transplant kids are there and they HAVE to have their meds at 8 and they HAVE to wait to get them until after you draw labs. Labs were drawn at 8:10, meds given at 8:15. Fabulous.

... my 4 month old porker weighs 9 lbs 10 oz! Yeah, that sounds like less then most of my friends children have weighed at birth, but it's just about double what SHE weighed at birth. Grow, fatty, grow.

... she doesn't have to eat the tax form any more! Her new formula smells like vanilla frosting. So does her burps. Unfortunately, not her poop. Who wouldn't prefer it to smell like vanilla frosting then that?

... echo & EKG looked good. She cried through all of it.

Okay heart moms, they gave me 2 different recipes for her formula - 24 kcal to mix with breast milk (the little bit I have left in the freezer) and 26 kcal for just the formula. I'm afraid the 26 kcal will constipate her, and they are afraid the 24 kcal won't be enough to grow significantly.
Experience?

Today was the first time post-transplant I had to brave clinic alone. John went back to work to start clearing. It's like she knew Papa was gone, I swear. She's a monster. A cute one, but a monster nonetheless.

busy bee

2010-03-16T23:51:00.006-05:00

EDIT: A lot of people were telling me they couldn't comment because they didn't have a google account. It wasn't operator error, it was just a setting I needed to fix. Viola - comment away!

I really want to blog.

I really need to pack.

In case you missed the tweet on my side bar or the eeeking all over facebook, we're moving this weekend. SO exciting! I'm dreaming in paint colors and IKEA furniture.

I know, I'm cheap.

John and I are going to pull a mostly all-nighter to get packed. My sweet child will only sleep when being held, so we feel like we had to wait until bed time to do anything with this ~~dump~~ house, and it has to be done by Friday.

I have about 5 blog posts impatiently waiting in my mind to be typed out.
What, you don't premeditate blog posts?

Pray for us the next few days since we will be (hopefully) really busy.

Watch, now that I've posted this his orders won't be available until April and I'll have plenty of time on my hands.

How about while I'm packing, you guys introduce yourself! I've had a few people tell me they follow my blog, but they aren't on the actual "followers" list, so I don't know who you are and I would love to.

As a fellow blogger put it, delurk!

clinic says ... 03/15

2010-03-15T15:30:00.000-05:00

Virtually no crying at clinic?

Heck yes!

She barely fussed for the poke, and fell asleep watching the fish in the tank after taking her meds.

Can you say, perfect??

She weighs a hefty 9lbs 6oz, 22.25" long.

Vitals were good - she was sleeping!

Echo and EKG looked awesome.

Neoral level still unstable - 136.
They upped her dose to .22 mls.

And we screwed up and gave her the once every 24 hours med twice in 24 hours.
They said not to worry, we're just skipping a dose.

And we can put mederma on her scar now!

Did anyone see good results on a surgical scar with a cream like that?

always knowing

2010-03-13T21:43:00.000-06:00

Then it just hits you out of no where.

While you're making breakfast.

While you're feeding her in the middle of the night.

While you're playing games with her.

While you're watching her smile.

She's going to die.

smack

I can feel God taking me through everything we experienced, one step at a time. I had a few days where I was mourning the events after her birth, the time we spent not knowing what was wrong.

Now I'm at diagnosis, and I just can't get past it. It's like constantly hitting that same brick wall.

"I have some unfortunate news about Aliyah's heart ...."

I hear those words
over and over and over.

Never
ceasing
heart break.

Going to the CICU for the first time, asking the lady at the desk if Allie was there yet, and at that very moment seeing her being wheeled by in the transport incubater box.

"She did really well for transport."

Hearing over and over again,

"She looks so good for a cardiac kid. If I didn't know, I would've never known."

Crying myself to sleep for weeks.

Still crying over her sweet sleeping body.

Thank you, Jesus, she's alive.

Thank you, Jesus, for giving the doctors at Memorial the wisdom to not send us home.

Thank you, Jesus, for the PGE's working as long as they did.

Thank you, Jesus, for holding us.

Thank you, Jesus, for a selfless family's perfect gift.

Thank you, Jesus, for donation.

Thank you, Jesus, for always knowing.

clinic says ... 03/12

2010-03-12T20:14:00.003-06:00

First was labs - she screamed like usual.

... Her neoral level was really low - one of her anti-rejection meds. It's supposed to be 175-225. It was 111. They upped her dose from .16 to .18.

Then was vitals - she screamed like usual.

... Blood pressure was high, high, high - mean of 81 the first time, 93 the second.
... Oxygen sats were a perfect 100%.
... May have had a slight temp. The reader wasn't consistent.
... Went from 8 lbs 15 oz & 21.5 inches long to 9 lbs 2 oz & 22.25 inches long!!

The echo & EKG - she was calm and smiling.

... It looked different to me, but I think I was looking for something to be different since her vitals were off, Carrie said everything was fine.

Next was the physical exam - she fell asleep.

... Great pulses, lungs sounded good and clear.

Last was her synagis vaccine - she shrieked like usual.

... and shrieked and shrieked and shrieked.

Carrie said to delay any other vaccinations until she's 3 months post-transplant.

It is really tough to find an unbiased opinion on vaccinations with a transplant baby. Hubby and I weren't going to vaccinate her at all, but now that she is immunosuppressed we feel like we have to. Any time I ask a transplant coordinator which vaccinations are the most important for her as a heart kid to get, the response is "Well, all vaccinations are important..."

She cannot get live virus vaccines, so chicken pox and MMR are both out.
We're probably going to ditch the Hep A one too.

Heart moms: what were YOU told about vaccinating your baby?

sufficient for you

2010-03-12T14:41:00.001-06:00

I was adding new photos to our transplant album on facebook earlier.

My stomach was full of butterflies.

My breath was quick and shallow.

My heart was palpitating.

I was thinking, "How did we do that? Where did we get that strength??"

Jesus.

I remember blogging this statement during John's deployment:

He only gives strength to do the tasks He calls us to do, and He only gives us enough strength to lift all the details back to Him.

True, true, true.

I do not, at this moment, possess the strength to do what I did a month ago.

He gave me the strength to do it then, the grace to do it then.

And now He gave me the strength and grace to do this now.

I did not and do not possess the strength to do this or this.

"My grace is sufficient for you.
My strength is made perfect in your weakness."

PS- Happy 4 month birthday, brave Allie girl. Momma loves you ♥

missing italy

2010-03-09T14:26:00.001-06:00

"Welcome to Holland"
Emily Perk Kingsley

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this ...

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland." "Holland?!", you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I've signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy places, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you never would've met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there a while and you catch your breath, you look around and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills .. and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy .. and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. For the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned." And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away ... because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss.

But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

I swear it's baby season. It takes more fingers than I have to count how many people I know that are pregnant or recently had a baby. I see everyone's photos of their preparations for Italy or their pictures of Italy and I am happy for them. Genuinely happy.

I look at their pictures and I'm reminded of our preparation for Italy. I remember all too well the dreams I had for us in that blessed country and the nightmarish emotions that overcame me when we landed - crash landed - in Holland.

I could spend my time wishing, mourning, wallowing.
or
I could walk away from depression and smell the tulips.

Most, if not all of you know what Italy looks like
but let me introduce you to a day in

Holland.

::clinic::

waiting for her echo

one two three four chambers!

she likes to watch her echo. calms her right down.

EKG

meds

going home face ♥

february

2010-03-08T22:37:00.013-06:00

update in photos

family picture after transplant

our transplant coordinator, Carrie

ballerina feet

moving to the CPCU

perfect numbers!

my view

♥ valentine's day ♥

making papa feel better after surgery

Uncle Timmy came to visit.
I'm not sure who was more in love by the end of the trip - him or her.

making friends with miss sienna grace

nap time

bath time

♥ smiles for momma ♥

clinic says .. 03/08

2010-03-08T22:26:00.002-06:00

... take her off asprin.

... Friday she'll be switched to imuran instead of cellcept.

... she is still under 9 lbs.

... March 17th we can switch her to real formula.

... echo & EKG looked fine.

clinic says .. 03/05

2010-03-06T22:57:00.007-06:00

Everything looks awesome!

She weighs 8lbs 14 oz, 21.5 inches long. She had her very last bactrim dose Friday night - no more puking! - and only has one more week of cellcept before they switch her to imuran.

Her echo and EKG looked awesome. With all the questions I ask you'd think I was aspiring to be an echo tech or something.

If you followed us on caringbridge, you know she was tested for Turner's syndrome. We found out Friday that the results were NEGATIVE. Her platelet count was normal (finally) but for now we are still going to give her asprin.

Without the bactrim she's on 4 meds a day - 2 immunosuppressants, asprin and prevecid! She has to stay on the 3232A for another 2 weeks. After that we can put her back on something a little yummier. I have some lactose free breast milk left, so we're going to use that. After throwing away 113 ounces of breast milk today, I'm pretty sick of watching my hard work go in the garbage. Once the breast milk is gone, the nutritionist said we could put her on vanilla elecare again. She will smell like vanilla frosting AND it's Tri-Care approved!

We also found out she was listed for exactly 64 days.

It amazes me how quickly she went from critically stable in the CICU, on 20+ pumps and needing constant supervision to sleeping in her boppy on less meds than an old man. She had a heart transplant.

She's my hero.

my my my

2010-02-27T16:40:00.003-06:00

I've spent the last week completely focused on my.

My laundry.
My dishes.
My child.
My husband.
My needs.

About 5 minutes ago I looked at twitter and saw all these "Pray for Hawaii" updates. I had no clue what was going on.

I thought, with all these earthquakes, tsunami's and freak snow storms, the end is close.

Then God said,

"Did you forget that I was coming?"

Amidst all my worrying about the house and getting into a routine, I forgot what the big picture was. It's not about all the dishes on the counter or the spit-spots on the mirror in the bathroom. It's not about uneaten lunch sitting on the counter. It's about Jesus. It's about so much more than my _____ (fill in the blank).

I can honestly say that I haven't pick up my Bible more than once since we were discharged.

Once.

All because I was too busy doing other things. I'm totally that person that thinks "when my house is clean, I'll sit at Your feet" or "after the bills are paid, I'll praise You." I want to have my life in order before I go to Jesus. I want to know that everything else is taken care of.

How messed up is that?

How can I ~~be a good wife, mom and homemaker~~ do anything without first seeking the Lord?

Sometimes I think that what we just went through was enough time on our knees to last us a while. So not true. There is a reason His mercy is new every morning - we need it every day. He doesn't dish out weekly batches of mercy, strength and grace. It is daily falling on our face before Him that brings growth and change. Daily. Maybe even hourly.

On an entirely different note, today is Aliyah's one month post transplant anniversary! I couldn't help but think this morning about all the wonderful memories we made this last month that we couldn't have had if it wasn't because of someones selfless sacrifice, someones loss, someone giving us life through the death of their child. For us today is a celebration, for them its a reminder of death. Transplants are a beautiful example of Christ: in His death, we will live.

I uploaded pictures last night so hopefully my next post will be all photos of February!

loca en la cabeza

2010-02-22T23:48:00.004-06:00

Things are nuts.

I'd like all my posts to be thought out and worded perfect, kind of like the essay part of the SAT's - impromptu organization. No time for that tonight. This is going to be a mess.

First week home was crazy.

We had 3 clinic appointments, husband had surgery, a friend came into town, we celebrated John's birthday, and we had friends over from the Springs.

That was just this week.

The craziest part was Friday. Friday we went to clinic at 7:30 in the morning. By 11:30 Aliyah had had two different sets of labs drawn, an echo, EKG, 3 x-rays and a foley catheder put in and removed. Sunday we were back in because she was (and is) puking frequently. She is eating better but the first half of the week she was puking every time she ate and the last two days it's just been when we give her two of her meds. Cellcept and bactrim cause an upset stomach, so she vomits every time we give them to her which happens to be twice a day. The reason we had an emergency clinic visit Sunday morning is because puking is also a sign of rejection, and on Friday they said her white cell count and platelets had doubled since Tuesday. She isn't rejection her heart, just the meds!

Getting back into a cleaning routine is tough. Really tough. This place is a disaster and I really, honestly have no time to do anything about it. Some day I will. Some day we will have a routine. My husband won't always have surgery and a birthday the same week. She'll be off the cellcept and bactrim in another 2 or 3 weeks. All the phone calls and bills will get made and paid on time. Eventually. I can't be super woman - I am the only one that expects myself to be the 50's housewife, house dust-free, homemade dinner in the oven, wearing high heels and a smile on my face. Instead I'm the always showered, sometimes dressed wife with a baby on one side and drawing meds on the other. The bed's made - that counts for something, right?

And I stopped pumping. Probably not the best week to deal with such a drastic hormonal change, but I'm doing okay so far. I wish I could've nursed her forever. I'll never forget what it felt like to nurse her - and I'm not talking about the painful part. I'm talking about the part where she looks into your eyes and you know that you're doing the very best thing for her, and that she loves you for it. Instead she's eating 3232A. No, I'm not feeding her a tax form.

What do you feed a baby when they can't have fat or milk? 3232A, of course. It's $87 a can makes it the perfect option for high income families and for children that would rather their food taste like poop than nutrition.

It really smells the same coming out as it does going in.
Nasty.

So I'm frustrated my house is a mess and that Aliyah is puking every morning and every night. I can guarantee you that between 8:30 and 9:30 every morning and night Mountain Standard time, she's puking and I'm cursing.

Oh and the foley catheder was to get a urine sample. We thought she had a UTI because of her white cell count. She doesn't. She had blood in her urine, so we kicked the lovenox (blood thinner) and that has gone away too.

We have to leave here at 6:40 to take Tim to the airport and then get John to Carson for a post-op appointment. Ugh.

I can't wait for simple. Ordinary. Boring. Lazy. Uneventful.

Anyone want to be my hired help?

monday's poetry

2010-02-15T14:28:00.004-06:00

... because even Monday's deserve a smile.

Love's philosophy

The fountains mingle with the river
And the rivers with the Ocean,
The winds of Heaven mix for ever
With sweet emotion;
Nothing in the world is single;
All things by a law divine
In one spirit meet and mingle,
Why not I with thine? -

See the mountains kiss high Heaven
And the waves clasp one another;
No sister-flower would be forgiven
If it disdained its brother;
And the sunlight clasps the earth
And the moonbeams kiss the sea:
What is all this sweet work worth
If thou kiss not me?

- Percy Bysshe Shelly

True Love

It is true love because
I put on eyeliner and a concerto and make pungent
observations about the great
issues of the day
Even when there's no one here but him,
And because
I do not resent watching the Green Bay Packer
Even though I am philosophically opposed to football,
And because
When he is late for dinner I know he must be either
having an affair or
lying dead in the middle of the street,
I always hope he's dead.
It's true love because
If he said quit drinking martinis but I kept drinking them
and the next morning I couldn't get out of bed,
He wouldn't tell me he told me,
And because
He is willing to wear unironed undershorts
Out of respect for the fact that I am philosophically
opposed to ironing,
And because
If his mother was drowning and I was drowning and he
had to choose one of
us to save,
He says he'd save me.
When he went to San Francisco on business while I
had to stay home with the painters and the
exterminator and the baby who was getting the chicken pox,
He understood why I hated him,
And because
When I said that playing the stock market was
juvenile and irresponsible and then the stock I
wouldn't let him buy went up twenty-six points,
I understood why he hated me,
And because
Despite cigarette cough, tooth decay, acid
indigestion, dandruff, and other features of
married life that tend to dampen the fires of passion
We still feel something
We can call
True love.

-Judith Viorst

Flowers in the kitchen

On buying her flowers
she said

"There's no food in the kitchen
and we can't eat flowers."

On buying her food
she said

"You don't buy flowers any more"

- Lenn Sissay

Valentine

Chipmunks jump, and
Greensnakes slither.
Rather burst than
Not be with her.

Bluebirds fight, but
Bears are stronger.
We've got fifty
Years or longer.

Hoptoads hop, but
Hogs are fatter.
Nothing else but
Us can matter.

- Donald Hall

take off your face

2010-02-09T17:07:00.003-06:00

I'm reading this book called "A New Kind of Normal", and the chapters I read yesterday were about opening up so others can see your pain and be encouraged by your growth.

Since my last post about needing an emotional outlet, I've really been thinking about how frequently (or infrequently) I actually let people know how I'm feeling. It might seem like a stupid reason, but hear me out. The main reason I don't like to cry is how bad it messes up my makeup. My face gets red and blotchy and my eyes melt down my cheeks. Not attractive, right? But it's not just my mascara that I don't like running down my face.

It's my pride, it's my self-control, it's my strength.

I don't like taking my face off.

I started crying when we were talking to our transplant coordinator about writing a thank you letter to the donor's family. How do I write a letter thanking someone for life? There is nothing I could say that will ever convey the thankfulness that I feel, the selflessness they had, the hope that they gave us. Nothing.

My emotions are so raw right now. I'm still grieving the diagnosis. I'm still grieving the surgery. I'm still grieving her coding two days after transplant. I am unorganized and entirely unprepared to bring her home next week. I'm a wreck. The last thing I need is for someone to think I'm not strong enough to do this. I'm super mom, right?

The chapter I was reading was about how much more of a blessing it is to see someone in honest pain, truly mourning something than to see a smiling face all the time. We can't emotionally connect with each other if the emotions are fake, consistent, perfect. Not that I want us to always be an emotional wreck with each other, sobbing about everything we wish we were, wish we had, wish we never were called to do, but I want us to be real.

Can I be real with you?

I keep thinking about how I will out live my daughter, that her new heart isn't going to fix it. I keep thinking, would it be easier to lose her sooner? Can I tell you how guilty I feel for thinking that? Not wanting it at all, but thinking it? That thought eats away at me. What kind of mother thinks such things? I look at her and see all the smiles, experience the cuddling and the love and I think, what kind of monster thinks it might be easier to not have this?

This book was talking about the power and forgiveness found in corporate confession. Not in the sense that everyone you are friends with knows your deep, dark secrets, but if something is really hurting you, pressure to be perfect should be the last thing to keep it inside. Can I encourage you to find someone you truly trust and have a heart to heart with them?

I have some deep wounds that need to heal. Will you heal with me?

"Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep. "
Romans 12:15

one day at a time

2010-02-06T00:24:00.005-06:00

I've been trying to just keep things on caringbridge, or not keep them at all. The more days that go by, the more I realize how desperate I am for an emotional outlet.

My daughter, my sweet almost 3 month old daughter is, once again, stuck in a hospital with no forseeable discharge. It's not that she's critically ill, it's that she's stubborn and likes the attention a little too much.

"I hope you have a daughter just like you some day."

You got your wish, Mama. This little girl is as high maintenance as it gets.

To say that she has decided to have the majority of major complications that are associated with transplant is a fairly accurate statement. We've avoided ECMO (thank God) and dialysis - barely.

When I ask the doctors if they think that we could be discharged 2 weeks from now, they make this constipated face and dance around a little. It's like they are trying to squeeze into a pin hole, which is impossible, much like our being discharged in 2 weeks.

It's not that I'm sick of eating cafeteria food 3 meals a day, bathing in showers that are level with the floor so the water just leaks out everywhere and never drains, and sleeping on springs -- I mean pull out sofas. I am, however, sick of her being sick. I just want her to be better. I know that getting a transplant isn't a solution and that there are loads of risks and responsibilities involved. But it was supposed to make her better. It was supposed to turn my little, smiling, purple baby into a pudgy, smiling, pink baby. I went from watching a smile slowly spread across her face to watching her eyes well up with tears because she can't make any sound to cry since she has a tube going through her vocal cords.

It's not supposed to be this way.

Yes, I know that this isn't something you consider possible when you get pregnant, but it was NOT supposed to be this way.

John and I decided we weren't going to have a hospital birth because of how horrible they can be to the mother during labor, how rough they are with the baby immediately after birth and how much of the initial bonding time they destroy. We had to have a hospital birth because I went into labor early.

We weren't going to vaccinate our children because, in our minds, the risks outweigh the benefits. Because she is on immunosuppressants for the rest of her life, we have to vaccinate her.

I wanted her to be strictly breastfed. Because of her health condition she had to have fortified breast milk, which meant bottle feeding. Because of a milk protein allergy she had to have formula for 2 weeks until I could get the lactose out of my system. Because of a chylothorax post transplant, she needs to be on a different formula because her body isn't processing the fats in the breast milk like it should be.

And she has never been in one of the cloth diapers we have for her.

Every little (or big) thing we were convicted on has been completely overturned. I have had to deal with my uncontrollable fear of hospitals and my "natural momma" desires being taken away from me.

To top it all off, I feel like people look at me and think
"That's the woman that couldn't make a healthy baby."

And did I mention the nightmares?

Even when we were home - for those 13 days - I would have petrifying nightmares. Nightmares that would make me fly out of the covers to grab my daughter who was right next to me because she wasn't close enough for me to protect her.

When Aliyah has fully healed here, then maybe I can start to heal too.

perfection is ..

2010-02-04T23:39:00.001-06:00

Perfection is her smile.

Don't you agree?

my precious baby girl

2010-01-29T01:39:00.005-06:00

Allie girl -

As I sit in your hospital room, just one day after your transplant, I am blown away at how strong you are. I'm so glad you don't have to remember this part. There are a lot of tubes, a lot of wires and a lot of medication. Emily is drawing labs right now and you are sucking on your swollen tongue and cheeks - we should probably find you a binky. As scary as it is to watch you like this, to hear about all the things that could go wrong and all the ways you could have already died, I am so hopeful of watching you grow. The last 2 weeks when we went to clinic, I saw all ages of kids that were post-transplant and doing so well. They were drawing pictures, learning to crawl, and running around like I'd expect any 5 year old to. I can't wait for that to be us - to be past this petrifying post-op stage and on to the healing and growing. I can't wait until you can say "Momma" and "Papa". I miss your smiles. You've opened your eyes a few times, to let us know that under all the sedatives, you're still in there. You even gripped my hand for a few seconds. I'm sure it was just reflex, but I like to think you know that Momma is right here with you. We taped your birth announcement picture to post above your bed, to remind us that you will be okay in a few days. It's good for the nurses to see you too and know that that beautiful smiling face is the goal.

When God made a promise to Abraham in Genesis He said that his children would be more numberous than the stars in the sky. The Bible also says that His thoughts toward you are more numberous than the sand. Aliyah love, there are more people praying for you than there is stars in the sky. While I am watching your heart beat through the gortex and watching the numbers on the monitors rise and fall, wondering if you are in pain and if your heart is going to get better, God already knows. He doesn't need that monitor to know what you are thinking and feeling. The doctors don't know why your blood pressure dropped so low earlier that they needed to do CPR, but He does. And He doesn't need to look back at what was recorded to see if He can link it all together and find a cause. He knew what was going on then, and He knows how to keep it from happening again. You are the apple of His eye, child. You are the apple of mine.

You have a whole heart now. The physician's assistant was drawing us a picture earlier to explain what happened when your heart rate dropped and she drew a whole heart. People are talking about the left side of your heart! It's so wonderful knowing that, even though it's in shock and sick right now, you do have a whole heart. A fully functioning heart. I hope that when you get older we can meet the donor's family. I would love to know who they are and to be able to thank them in person. I want to see a picture of their precious little baby that gave you it's heart so you can live. I hope that we can raise you to know how selflessly they agreed to donate during such a horrific time. I hope you're forever grateful.

Brave girl, we're not going to leave your side. As Papa said, right now you're talking with the angels. God will keep you strong - I will keep kissing you.

All my love,
Momma

heart momma

2010-01-28T23:03:00.002-06:00

The Day I Became A Heart Mother

One day my world came crashing down,
I'll never be the same.
They told me that my baby was sick.
I thought, "Am I to blame"?
I don't think I can handle this.
I am really not that strong.
It seemed my heart was breaking.
I have loved him for so long.
I will not give up on this child.
I will listen to your advice.
I will give my son any chance.
No matter what the price.
I will learn all that I need
To help my baby thrive.
I'll even use that feeding tube.
My child must survive!
Will he need a lot of therapy?
Will he gain the needed weight?
Please God, help me do this.
As I accept our fate.
When the monitors beep at night,
it serves as my reminder.
How many parents would love that sound.
Tomorrow I will be kinder.
As another Angel earns his wings,
I run to my baby's bed.
I watch him sleep for quite a while.
I bend down and kiss his head.
I cry for the parents whose hearts have been broken.
I look to You wondering why?
Oh Lord, I just can't know your ways....
no matter how I try.
And yet, I trust you hold his life,
and guide us through each day.
My mind says savor each moment he's here,
but my heart begs, "PLEASE let him stay"!
From pacing the surgical waiting room,
to sitting by his bed.
From wishing for a good nights sleep,
to learning every med.
From wondering, "Will he be alright?",
to watching him reach out his hands.
With every smile my heart just melts,
despite life's harsh demands.
For all who see that faded line.
I look to them and smile.
You see my child is loved so much.
I would face ANY trial.
That scar I trace with my finger
(It's the door to his beautiful heart).
God must have known how much I'd love him
(Just as He loved him from the start).
A heart mom is always a heart mom.
Now wise beyond her years.
For those who have angels in heaven,
Our hearts share in all of your tears.
Every day I will try and remember,
I was chosen for him (and no other).
I will always embrace that beautiful day.......
When I became a "Heart Mother".

~Stephanie Husted
Mommy to Braeden HLHS post Fontan
Carepage name: babyhusted

NICU 39

2010-01-13T00:19:00.003-06:00

Today isn't the today we prepared for.

Today John set up the bassinet. I pulled out a cute little going home outfit and an extra blanket for carrying her to the car. Today we walked down the hall of our apartments, too giddy with excitement to talk about anything that didn't begin with "When we bring her home..." Today when I walked in her room and saw her wide awake, I told her how happy I was to finally have her home on her two home birthday. You see, "today" was supposed to be going home.

God gave us a different today.

Today we were told that Allie had lost 10 oz since the stent was put in - information that we were completely clueless of until the doctors rounded this morning. Today we were told that she couldn't go home until she had two days of weight gain. Today we were told my milk supply was not adequate for a two month old, and that we would have to supplement with formula. Today we were furious. Today we talked to the NNP and the Fellow MD about how lied to we felt. The knew yesterday that she was losing weight, and we should have been told then not to expect a dischange. We told them Friday she wasn't going to eat breastmilk fortified with X and Y, but that she'd eat Z. It was today that they finally listened.

The deal we worked out with the doctors is to try breast milk fortified with Vanilla Elecare (it smells like a cookie), because that is the formula she was eating and enjoying when I had to get the lactose out of my diet. Well, she had a taste of straight breast milk and the little angel will not eat anything else. It's simple logic: if you feed her what she likes, she will eat more and gain weight. If you feed her what she does not like, she will not eat and not gain weight. So we're throwing the "deal" out the window. This baby is getting what she wants, not the doctors. End of story.

Today, we learned how quickly the Momma bear instinct kicks in and what it means to do what is best for our child regardless of the professional opinion.

The last time we were supposed to be discharged and weren't, we were livid. We did not understand why God would keep us at the hospital, a place we weren't even supposed to go to to begin with. The next day we found out she had HLHS, and if we had been discharged she most likely would have died and we would have never even known about her heart. As frustrating as today was, I couldn't help but remember how good it was that we weren't discharged before. I know that He is in as much control over our discharge now as He was then, so I will do the best I can to wait for His timing. Nothing less than perfection, that's what we're striving for.

Until further notice, NICU 39 is our home.
Happy two month birthday, Allie girl.

2010-01-12T11:25:00.004-06:00

♥Aliyah Marie♥

She's the sweetest thing in the world, and we are hopefully taking her home today, on her two month birthday.

Two months after she came into the world, she's leaving the walls of a hospital for the first time.
I am so excited to get this baby home.

Strong like Allie

2009-11-19T00:37:00.004-06:00

Some day I'll have more time to explain, but not today.

Aliyah was born on Thursday, November 12th with serious heart defects.

We're at Denver Children's Hospital, waiting to hear what can be done to fix her little heart.

The Lord is good, and faithful in our time of need.
He will never leave us or forsake us.
He knew her before the foundations of the earth.
When we are weak, He is strong.
His grace is sufficient.

Can I even begin to tell you how brave she is?
Right now she has 2 doctors and nurse, as well as my husband standing over her bed trying to find a vein to draw blood from to run labs. She hasn't cried once, and the doctor just said something about this being the 6th poke.

I'm crying more than she is.
I want to be brave like my little girl.
I need to be strong like Allie.

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/aliyahpomelow

We'll do the best we can to keep that updated.

35 weeks

2009-11-07T10:17:00.003-06:00

How far along? 35 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: 25-30 lbs
Maternity clothes? Unless it's a hubby t-shirt!
Stretch marks? Little ones
Sleep: Sleep is not happening. It's like a gymnastic routine to get out of bed to pee every 2 hours or roll over because my hips hurt.
Best moment this week: Realizing my little girl could be here around Thanksgiving if she wanted =)
Movement: Yes! She's dropped so she isn't doing her crazy stunts like she was a few weeks ago, but still kicking me all the time.
Food cravings: Fruit mostly. And cereal =)
Gender: still a girl!
Labor Signs: She's dropped which makes me excited, but it also makes me waddle =) Braxton Hicks and a few contractions.
Belly Button in or out? In still! My mom always said that when your belly button pops out it's like the timer saying "ding! baby's done!" - I guess I'm still cookin her =)
What I miss: Tying my shoes comfortably and wearing MY clothes ...
What I am looking forward to: Finishing: the freezer stocking, the baby organizing, the cleaning, the purchasing, the pregnancy .. =)
Weekly Wisdom: It's been a big blessing to me to spend more time with Johnny doing fun things. I know that once baby is here we will still be able to do things together, but it will be very different than it is now. We're soaking up time together, and it's wonderful. I guess my "wisdom" would be to spend as much fun time together as you can. Make fun memories because it's not ever going to JUST be the two of you again!
Milestones: Nothing I can think of.

freezer food

2009-10-30T13:54:00.009-05:00

I think I'm going to start to tackle my freezer stocking.

sweet potato burritos x 1
chimichangas x 1
macaroni & cheese x 1
~~chicken tetrazini x 1~~
~~cheesy beef & rice x 2~~
~~broccoli & cheese stuffed potatoes x 1~~
~~pizza dough/sauce x 3~~
zoupa toscana x 1
~~broccoli cheese soup x 1~~
spicy potato soup x 1
~~banana bread x 2~~
~~blueberry muffins x one dozen~~
desert bars or cookies x 1

My way around begging John to not eat the freezer food is to make it for supper and freeze half.

Somehow I'll win.

dresser drama

2009-10-26T13:56:00.004-05:00

Baby Aliyah needed a dresser, so I found one on Craigslist for her.

Except it needed lots of work.

Lots.

The previous owners gorilla glued down the knobs, and some of the trim.

Then they let the glue dry dripped down the front of the drawers.

So we scraped it off.

They let their son go crazy with a pencil all over the outside of the drawers.

So we erased it.

After scrubbing, scraping, erasing, and painting, we have a pretty dresser for our little girl.

It looks so much better, don't you think?

33 weeks

2009-10-24T10:13:00.002-05:00

How far along? 33 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: I don't want to know! I'm feeling relatively healthy - a little chubby in the face & butt, and stepping on the scale isn't going to help.
Maternity clothes? Oh yes.
Stretch marks? Nope!
Sleep: Sleep is best after a little glass of wine and a bubble bath. Figured that one out 2 nights ago =)
Best moment this week: Getting enough energy back be "nesty"
Movement: Yes! I love feeling her wiggle. She's big enough now that I can tell which body parts are what, so it's fun knowing whether she is playing with her hands or kicking out her knees.
Food cravings: John & I were both craving Chinese the other night. It was so good ...
Gender: still a girl!
Labor Signs: My body is loosening up, bones shifting, muscles stretching. Still having Braxton Hicks, and I've had a few more contractions. Nothing painful, just more crampy than a Braxton Hicks. Enough to let me know that it's almost time!
Belly Button in or out? In! Praise the Lord!!
What I miss: Reaching to get something without my belly getting in the way =)
What I am looking forward to: Crossing things off "the list"
Weekly Wisdom: Take a walk, even when you don't feel like it. Take a bath, especially when you can't relax. Eat healthy, even though all you want is cake.
Milestones: None this week

baseboards & cabinets

2009-10-23T14:20:00.012-05:00

My Mama's great pregnancy advice was to plan on having everything done by the time you are 36 weeks.

I have 3 weeks and 1 day to:

CLEAN:
~~closet shelves~~
~~cabinets in Master bath~~
~~cabinets in 2nd bath~~
baseboards & doors
light fixtures
ceiling fans
sweep out garage
chemical shelf
shoe closet
laundry area
patio & glass doors
fridge
~~kitchen cabinets~~

ORGANIZE:
~~closets~~
~~vanities~~
~~storage unit~~
chemical shelf
~~pantry~~
~~kitchen cabinets~~
~~2nd bedroom~~
baby things
medicine cabinet

PURCHASE:
bedroom curtains & rods
DVD/VHS holder
a desk
nightstands
baskets for baby things

EXTRA:
make Christmas stockings
hang pictures
stock freezer
~~finish dresser~~
~~wash baby clothes~~

I need a nap.

Today's plan is to do all the kitchen related tasks - minus stocking the freezer, and finish that dumb dresser.

Dresser is almost finished, and I haven't touched the kitchen yet.

I'm serious about that nap.

I did read something today in "Natural Pregnancy" that said it's perfectly normal to go nuts about cleaning in your third trimester, wanting to make sure everything is spotless before the baby comes - even the things that no one ever sees.

"Your baby will not care what the baseboards and the back corners of your cabinets look like."

It made me laugh knowing that those are two things on "the list", but I'm going to do them any way. Baby might not care, but Mama will feel more prepared, and Papa will appreciate it.

pumpkin love

2009-10-21T10:39:00.004-05:00

I love pumpkins.
Pumpkin pie.
Pumpkin seeds.
Pumpkin patches.
Pumpkin coffee.
Pumpkin carving.

How can you resist smiling at a giant ball of orange?

Before.

Drawing.

Seeding.

Carving.

Smiling.

Admiring.

Glowing.

SPECOPS: Dinner time

2009-10-18T21:11:00.004-05:00

UNCLASSIFIED.
Operation Hubby Approved Dinners is now in affect, and the first mission was a success.

There was absolutely nothing fancy about this supper, but Johnny begged me to take it out of the oven 10 minutes early, insisting it was done. Are you ready for this ridiculous easy (and freezable!) supper?

Cheesy Beef & Rice

1 cup rice
1 lb ground beef
1 cup sour cream
1/3 cup milk
3 Tbsp minced onion
1/2 tsp garlic powder
1 cup shredded cheddar cheese
salt to taste

Cook rice.
Brown beef with garlic & onion.
Mix rice & beef together.
Add salt.
Stir in sour cream & milk.
Spread into 8" casserole dish.
Sprinkle with cheese.

At this point you could:
A) cover & freeze
B) Cook in 350 degree oven for 30 minutes or until bubbly.

Done.

I told you it was easy.

Maine

2009-10-18T09:37:00.006-05:00

Just a few pictures from our wonderful trip home.

My incredible siblings

I'm a little biased, but she's perfect.

Three of the best

They threw me a surprise shower while we were there!

Yummy cake.

My poor husband never gets sick .. except when we are in Maine apparently. The day of the shower he spent 7 hours in the emergency room being tested for the swine flu. He had bronchitis & a cold. Poor baby.

Mama & her happy babies.

I love her.

Corn maize!
You can't even see my 30 week pregnant belly =)

It's tough to lose a man as tall as him in a corn field.

I love pumpkins.

Common ground fair hay ride with my hubby, brother & sister.

She was so excited =)
That's a scarecrow, not a voo doo doll.

We were in Bar Harbor almost a year to the day when we honeymooned there.

Precious little Sophia Rose.

I miss him.

I cannot wait to move back to the place that owns my dreams.

Saying goodbye was one of the hardest things I've had to do. Sophie had to deal with lots of kisses, Emma tried to stop me from crying by giving me kisses and crackers - I love the way a 17 month old thinks. Someday we will be back. No more goodbyes.

32 weeks

2009-10-17T09:15:00.003-05:00

How far along? 32 weeks - how did that happen?!
Total weight gain/loss: I have been counting from my pre-baby weight, but I guess I'm supposed to count the weight I gained back after being so sick .. which puts me at 26 lbs
Maternity clothes? Unless they are my hubby's, yes =)
Stretch marks? Nope!
Sleep: Sleep? Sleep ... Is that that thing my body is trying to do between bathroom breaks & trying to get comfortable??
Best moment this week: Realizing that we are due in less than 2 months - hurry, baby, hurry!
Movement: Yep - right now. I'm getting kneed =)
Food cravings: Fruit & chocolate. I REALLY wanted a cheeseburger after church Sunday too!
Gender: still a girl!
Labor Signs: Braxton Hicks all day long. I had one actual contraction last night, which was no fun.
Belly Button in or out? In
What I miss: My second trimester! I am feeling nauseous again during the day, and sleep is impossbile.
What I am looking forward to: Painting parts of the dresser today, and our birth class this afternoon.
Weekly Wisdom: Don't push yourself to keep going if your body is telling you to stop. Know your limits & embrace nap time =)
Milestones: This is the first week of my 8th month!!

in my kitchen ...

2009-10-15T09:47:00.006-05:00

... there are a lot of dishes to be done.

There are also a lot of memories of failed attempts to make yummy meals for my husband.

John & I celebrated our one year anniversary almost a week ago, and I realized that I have been a home maker for one whole year and I have never cooked a roast, a ham, a whole bird, or even meatballs with spaghetti. I can't even begin to tell you the conviction I had after realizing that I had been feeding him essentially the same meals over & over & over. My poor, sweet husband. He has rarely told me he didn't like a dinner I made, but he has also rarely raved over something I made - unless it was in dessert form.

I want to bless my husband with the food that comes out of my kitchen.

I also want to spend less of his hard earned paycheck at the store, and the longer I try to do both the more impossible it seems. I have a running list going of some of his favorite foods, but it is too short to even serve him a different meal every night for 2 weeks.

I'd love to be able to say that everything in my kitchen is homemade, from the canned goods to the bagels. I wish my freezer was constantly stocked with things we could just pull out and enjoy any day of the week. I wish I had a different and delicious meal to serve him every single night. When I feel so guilty that none of my desires are fulfilled, I have to ask myself how many of these expectations the Lord has for me, how many my husband has for me, and how many are just my ideas of the perfect home maker.

Eventually I would like to say that I have seen all of those kitchen dreams come true, but for now I need to remember that the only Proverbs 31 woman that simply woke up that way was Eve, and after the fall, even she could no longer measure up to that standard. Becoming the woman described in Proverbs 31 is not an overnight thing. It's a lifetime of lessons & experiences, learning & growing, falling, fixing, and trying again.

Back to those dishes that need to be done. Should they have been done last night? Yes. Do you know what my husband said was when we woke up this morning and I apologized for the state of our kitchen?
"Honey. It's okay."

It's okay. It's okay that I'm not perfect and that my kitchen isn't perfect.
In 25 years he might be annoyed if the dinner dishes are still not done in the morning, but for now he isn't putting pressure on his 7 1/2 month pregnant wife of one year to have it all figured out.

This is where you come in.

What are some favorite dinners in your home?
What have you found to be the cheapest meals to prepare?
What do you always make from scratch, and what do you not mind buying prepared?
What are some expectations that you alone have for yourself that your husband might be trying to tell you are unnecessary?

31 weeks

2009-10-10T10:23:00.004-05:00

How far along? 31 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: 16 lbs, and I feel like a cow
Maternity clothes? Yes. I cannot wait until I can buy normal clothes again!
Stretch marks? Still just one little one!!
Sleep: Sleep is tough. Small bed, big belly, big husband.
Best moment this week: Hanging out at our midwifes home, just talking after our appointment. It was really good to connect with them.
Movement: All the time =)
Food cravings: Fruit & chocolate.
Gender: still a girl!
Labor Signs: Braxton Hicks
Belly Button in or out? In
What I miss: Having a winter coat that buttons over my belly!
What I am looking forward to: Dragging the dresser in that John & I found on craigs list and making it look brand new again for our sweet baby girl.
Weekly Wisdom: Listen to your husband when he tells you that you are stunning. Being pregnant and being over weight are two complete opposites. The "extra" weight you are carrying is for a good reason, and he loves you, and your figure, just the same.
Milestones: I can still bend over - does that count? =)

the proposal

2009-10-07T10:18:00.003-05:00

The violet loves a sunny bank.
The cowslip loves the lea,
The scarlet creeper loves the elm.
But I love-thee.
The sunshine kisses mount and vale.
The stars they kiss the sea,
The west winds kiss the clover bloom,
But I kiss-thee.
The oriole weds his mottled mate,
The lilys bride o the bee;
Heavens marriage ring is round the earth,
-shall I wed thee?
- Bayard Taylor

A year ago today, I said yes.

I'm so glad I did ♥

20 days later

2009-10-05T21:26:00.002-05:00

I'm realizing that the last time I really posted was my birthday.
Whoops.

John's surgery went really well. He was devastatingly miserable the first 2 days, but by the 3rd day we had a good medication & fresh ice routine. It'll be a while before he gains full use of his arm again, but we're hopeful!

The secret that I had that couldn't be revealed until the 20th was that we went to Maine! The idea was to completely surprise his mom, which was mostly a success. She said she was hoping that one of these days we'd surprise her with a visit, so she had read into all of our little lies to throw her off.

My Mama had the baby 2 days before we got there - a sweet little girl! Sophia Rose is absolutely perfect, and I was so excited to be able to kiss her the whole time we were there.

Emma Lou remembered me so well that when she saw me she smiled real big and ran to me with her arms up - melted my heart.

John & I were able to go to Bar Harbor almost a year ago from when we were there for our honeymoon! We went back into all our favorite stores, bought ice cream at the same place we did before, and had a blast remembering all romantic moments we shared there.

They threw me a surprise baby shower too! It was so perfect - Mom had all the decorations and even the food to match the colors that we're doing the nursery in: pink & green. Grapes, strawberries, kiwi, cucumber sandwiches, pink lemonade, vintage green table cloths with little pink roses on it. It was so pretty! We had tea in my great grandmother's china & the yummiest deserts.

We had to mail a bunch of stuff home, including all the disc's with the pictures on it that we took. As soon as they arrive I'll show you how great our trip was.

The only problem with a visit that wonderful is saying goodbye. I want to be in Maine with my family more than anything, and with my new little sister so far away, our baby so close to arriving all I want is my family. It has never been that difficult to say goodbye before. All I could do was cry when we finally got back to our condo. It's not home. It's not anything but a building. My sweet husband realized how difficult it is for me to be away from everyone right now and promised me we would do things to make this place feel more like home. We're going to go apple picking and carve pumpkins, print out wedding photos and hang them (just in time for our one year anniversary!). If I can't get rid of my homesick feelings, I can at least try to ignore it.

30 weeks!!

2009-10-03T10:04:00.003-05:00

How far along? 30 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: I think I'm at 15 lbs now!
Maternity clothes? Every single day! I still have some t-shirts that fit.
Stretch marks? One teeny tiny one on my right side.
Sleep: I'm up all the time to pee, but as long as I have a body pillow I'm comfy =)
Best moment this week: Going to my mom's midwife's office and getting to feel the exact position of our sweet baby, and seeing my Mama tear up when she did too.
Movement: All the wonderful time!
Food cravings: None, really. Coffee in the morning - does that count? =)
Gender: It's a girl!
Labor Signs: Braxton Hicks contractions, but nothing more than that thankfully.
Belly Button in or out? In
What I miss: A flat stomach.
What I am looking forward to: Getting her nursery set up
Weekly Wisdom: There is no way to avoid unwanted advice. Just smile through it and vent to your hubby later =)
Milestones: THIRTY weeks!!!

my birthday makes me want to

2009-09-10T22:11:00.010-05:00

...be with my family.

Having a pink cake for the first time in 17 years was fun, but I wish I was home to share birthday festivities with my brother.

...see my feet.

27 weeks on Saturday!

... buy fabric!

My Mama & Papa are great at spoiling me.

...read!

There is something about the way a new book smells that makes me never want to leave it's pages.

...buy fun things for our baby.

Can you say "adorable"?!

...bake!

My Grammy is another one good at spoiling me.

...dress up this baby girl.

Is it December yet??

...pray for many more wonderful birthdays with this man.

John's surgery is scheduled for 7 am tomorrow. Please keep him in your prayers.

I promise I'll share all the funny things I know the anesthetics will make him say =)

a debate & a tongue twister

2009-09-08T13:56:00.003-05:00

John & I went to visit some friends in the hospital yesterday. She had just delivered their baby girl 2 months early. Jenny and baby are fine, but it was a very serious situation. Holly weighs 4 lbs 1 oz, and was delivered via an emergency c-section when Jenny went into cardiac arrest & respiratory failure.

While we were there Jenny decided to tell all the nurses we came in contact with that we're having a home birth. I was almost too busy beating my head against the wall to notice the amused looks of horror on everyone's face when they realized that she was serious.
When asked my reasons - a question that only came after a 15 minute soap box speech on all the risks & reasons normal people have hospital births - I simply told the RN that I hated hospitals. I'm not about to argue home birth v. hospital birth with someone that was clearly not going to be pursuaded I was anything other than crazy regardless of what I said.

The funnest part is that when the RN was taking Jenny & I up to the NICU to see Holly, she was pointing out all the "lovely hand paintings" on the walls so I could see "how wonderful [this] hospital is". Yes, because I do like to make my major decisions based on wall art.

My soldier's shoulder surgery is scheduled for Friday.
Please say that out loud as fast as you can.

We have a secret! I can't tell you until Septemeber 20th.
No, it's not twins.

old navy

2009-08-31T10:30:00.002-05:00

When John comes home tomorrow and wants to know where all our spending money went, this is what I'm going to show him.

I cannot wait to go shopping!

How cute are they?!

proverbs 27:1

2009-08-27T20:23:00.001-05:00

Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring forth.

How very true I find this verse tonight.

God always knows

2009-08-27T12:27:00.007-05:00

He knew yesterday was going to be a day that needed to end in lots of hugs, so He sent my hubby home for the evening.

I had an appointment with my midwife yesterday which normally means the rest of the day goes pretty well knowing that baby is okay, which she is.

I spent the entire appointment feeling like a failure because I'm not eating the "right kind" of protein for my baby and because I've gained only 8 lbs after losing more than 10. Heaven forbid I only take 4 of the 6 daily prenatal vitamins she has me on, even though they make me sick. And maybe I should look into the WIC program, since our grocery budget is too tight to buy all the food I need to grow a healthy baby. "This really needs to become your priority."

I was pretty proud of myself for gaining those 8 lbs, thankyouverymuch.
And isn't protein protein?
My mom barely takes her once a day prenatal vitamins, and all her kids turned out pretty cute.
The health of my baby IS my priority, and we're not that desperate.

I should have known when we "hired" a health nazi to be my midwife that I'd have appointments like this, but there is a fine line between reminding me to eat healthy and making me feel like a failure because eggs make me gag.

When I got home from my appointment, my sweet husband was already here.

Thank you, God.

3 days without my husband...

2009-08-26T11:44:00.003-05:00

...makes me go crazy. The worst part is gunnery isn't close to over.

I'm not even half way through the day and I want it to be over already.

Housework needs to be done, I have 2 hours of driving to do, there are a thousand "baby" related things that need to be either budgeted for or taken care of, and my husband is gone.
Motivation, why have you forsaken me?

I think it's time for a Psalm & a cup of coffee.

love.

2009-08-25T09:33:00.002-05:00

I never knew before I was pregnant what John 3:16 meant.

He sent His only Son knowing all the terrible things He would have to endure.

How did He do that?

To think that the love I have for our daughter is nothing compared to the love He has for His Son, and the love He has for His Son is still not as consuming as the love He has for me.

That's a lot of love.

must haves?

2009-08-19T14:54:00.003-05:00

What things do you find indispensable as a mom?

What things do you wish you had when you were caring for a newborn, but never did?

What things did you spend money on and never use?

Did you love having a baby swing?

Sling or backpack?

Did you have a bassinet?

Do you wish you had a bassinet?

Boppy pillow?

Any and all help greatly appreciated!

it's a ...

2009-08-15T18:15:00.002-05:00

GIRL!

and she is beautiful.

pink or blue

2009-08-13T11:30:00.004-05:00

Saturday is sex day!
Wait, that's not right.
Saturday is the day we find out about the sex.
Of the baby.

That was difficult.

We're taking votes.
Pink or blue?

Right now the count is
boy: 4
girl: 2

too good to share, too unhealthy not to

2009-08-11T09:33:00.008-05:00

When I found this recipe, all the "ratings" said that they were too unhealthy to eat them all yourself, that we had to share. They didn't say that I had to share the bars, so I'll just share the recipe. Do you think that counts as a calorie reduction?

My husband actually asked me not to post this on my blog or facebook so no one else could have the recipe.
Good thing he was just joking, or I'd be a horrible wife.

I modified the original recipe, so you get my version.

Peanut Butter Bars

1/2 cup butter, melted
2+ cups graham cracker crumbs
2 cups powdered sugar
1 1/2 cups peanut butter
1 1/2 cups chocolate chips
3 Tbsp peanut butter

Mix together the first 4 ingredients, then press evenly into the bottom of an 8x8 baking dish. Refrigerate for 15 minutes. Melt together the last 2 ingredients, and spread on top of prepared crust. Refrigerate 30-45 minutes, or until chocolate hardens. Cut into fun shapes because squares are boring, pour yourself a glass of milk and enjoy!

You could put it in a 9x13 dish, but I'd rather have a small, thick square than a big, thin one.

PS - Pregnant women, if you cut the dish into 12 squares, there is 9 grams of protein per serving!

visual aids

2009-08-03T11:47:00.005-05:00

Stress.

Imagine you are playing this game of Monopoly. Every time you get within 12 spaces of Boardwalk you have a panic attack & try to figure out how you would pay $2,000 if you landed on it. When you roll your dice and realize you have passed this dreaded space you jump for joy, only to see that instead you have landed on Baltic Avenue. Your salary plus $50 sudden disappears & you still have the groceries to buy.

That's kind of how John & I have felt the last few months with our finances. After seeing his paycheck cover all the bills, we get the car to buy much needed groceries, only to see that the anti-lock brake light is still on and we're due for an oil change. Or how about the kiddie pool we still need to buy for the baby's birth or maternity clothes, since I woke up & suddenly my half wardrobe doesn't fit.

21 weeks!

We are absolutely thrilled that this baby is more than half baked! I love feeling it's kicks throughout the day, reminding me to put down the apple cake & pick up the apple. I can't decide if I want to find out what kind of baby we're having. I would love to be able to buy all the color appropriate clothes & not feel guilty for calling it by the wrong pronoun, but the thought of our midwife handing me our just pushed out baby and saying "it's a .." nearly brings me to tears with joy. I do love surprises.

My poor husband is driven mad by surprises, and that is no exaggeration. I cannot even mention buying him a birthday or Christmas gift early because he would spend every moment contemplating what it could be. He cannot even plan a surprise for ME without going crazy with anticipation. If he doesn't end up telling me without any prompting, the crazed look he gets normally gives it away.

Incredible.

Speaking of my husband, I rediscovered this picture today. Remember the crazed look over planning a surprise? That's it, right there.

He has been home for almost 6 months, and I still fight the deployment emotions daily. The worst part is that I'm not over the last deployment, and we're having to prepare for another one. I tell people I'm not thinking about it because it's too difficult, but really I think about it every single day.

He has had his ups & downs since coming home. His body is falling apart, and the Army cannot figure out how to fix it. Med board, anyone? The only thing that hasn't gotten significantly better is the road rage. I hate it when he drives. And the sleeping. He informed me via the phone that he took 2 NyQuil to fall asleep last night. The reason it was over the phone is because he was afraid of the death stare I'd give him if he told me to my face.

He thrives off any sort of multimedia entertainment about guns, bombs, tanks & soldiers. He told me he was going to rent a movie one night and I said that's fine, as long as it has nothing to do with war, Iraq, soldiers, bombs & the military. He came back with Lions for Lambs - a movie about 2 college students that enlist in the Army, go special forces, fall out of a chinook in Afghanistan & get shot to death by Taliban fire. His reasoning? "It was Afghanistan, not Iraq." It's a well made film if you want to watch it, but I kind of just told you the end.

Love.

Something tells me I don't even have to do into detail about this one.

encouragement & accountability

2009-07-31T10:16:00.003-05:00

Have you ever found yourself praying for something and you didn't realize you were actually asking the Lord for it until He gave it to you? It's in that moment that you see that He listens to every cry of your heart, even the unspoken or unacknowledged ones.

I had been struggling with living here, so far away from my family, my church, my familiar places, especially as a new wife with a baby on the way. Homesick could describe it, but it was more of a home longing or home craving. To put it simply, I was discontent with living here and I had no desire of changing that.

When I would spend time with the Lord, He always had something to tell me about my role as a wife & homemaker - most likely because I was sorely lacking in both areas. I would have a change of heart but without encouragement or accountability to continue following the Lord's guidance in those areas, I would fall away from it. By not allowing the Lord to do the work in my heart and trying to fix things on my own, I was cheating myself of the joy, contentment & strength that He wanted to give me to enable me to do the things He requires of me. I was stuck.

Then I re-met a wonderful woman that I had gone on a missions trip with almost 5 years ago. She and her husband of 6 months are attending the same church that we are and going to the same college group that we go to. We get along famously.

She is also very far away from home, dealing with life as newlyweds & the new role of homemaker. Her husband isn't military and they aren't pregnant (yet!) but in literally every other aspect, we have common ground. Every time we get together I leave encouraged & motivated to be a better wife, a better Christian and a better homemaker.

The best part? She was praying for a friendship like ours too.

The first time we did something together outside of church was completely spontaneous. I was about to go to the mall to get wedding presents for a friend and new clothes for John. As I was walking out the door, I had the thought to call her and see if she wanted to go too. She was free that afternoon so the timing was perfect.

On a later occasion she told me that at the very moment I called her she was telling the Lord how desperately she needed a friend here. That thought I had to call her was the Lord's doing. It was an immediate response to her prayer. Isn't that wonderful?

She is the answer to the prayer I didn't know I was praying.

He always knows.

traveling to do's

2009-07-02T20:19:00.003-05:00

I love going places, but not the 17 mile check list of things that have to get done before I leave.

clean bathrooms + floors
~~clear off counters~~
dust
~~grocery store~~
~~return dvd's~~
~~goodwill~~
~~mail wedding response card~~
~~budget + checkbook~~
~~figure out how to pack wedding gifts~~
~~update ipod~~
laundry
~~schedule bill pay~~
wash baby clothes + put away
~~dishes~~
kitchen floor
~~find empty memory cards~~
~~start packing~~
~~leave john little notes all over the house ♥~~

two years in three sentences

2009-07-01T21:25:00.003-05:00

It's amazing how quickly life changes.

This time two years ago I was working at Target, had just gotten back from a visit to England, was dating a man that was no good for me, and was taking an art appreciation class at Quad C.

This time last year I was working at a coffee shop, planning a wedding, mailing boxes to a deployed fiance, and soaking up the Texas sun.

Now I am an Army wife, growing our first baby, trying to take care of a home, and watch the clouds roll over the Colorado mountains.

I feel like I have hibernated so all these changes can take place smoothly, so I wouldn't get in the way. There are definitely times where it is necessary to put yourself aside, whether it's to take care of your family, help a friend, do that thing at work that you pray you won't get picked to do but to just do for this long and not just be, that's something entirely different.

baby's growth

2009-06-25T11:20:00.004-05:00

Mom: Finger & toe nail beds are forming, and hair is starting to grow. Your baby's eyes are moving towards the front of it's face, and it's ears are more recognizably human. These things are great, except when you read them you realize, wow .. my baby still looks like an alien.

Almost as good as when the update said "Your baby's tail is almost gone, and the webbing between it's fingers and toes is starting to fade."

I can already tell, it has my husbands genes. =)

la Biblia

2009-06-24T16:51:00.005-05:00

A useless worker is just overpaid.

Good thing I work for Someone that isn't into firing employees.

I'm needing some encouragement.

When you are just not having a good go of it, which verses always bring you the hope & joy that you need?

I'll start.

"He calls them by name, by the greatness of His might and the strength of His power; Not one is missing. Why do you say, O Jacob, and speak, O Israel: 'My way is hidden from the Lord, and my just claim is passed over by God?' Have you not known? Have you not heard? The everlasting God, the Lord, The Creator of the ends of the earth neither faints nor is weary. His understanding is unsearchable."

Isaiah 40:26-28

role model

2009-06-23T11:37:00.002-05:00

"Robert Di Nero is my role model" - Johnny

-- taken completely out of context for the fun of it

sweet, sweet baby

2009-06-16T12:31:00.002-05:00

We spent Sunday night in the ER, not necessarily because it was an emergency, but because it might have been, and we didn't know.

I was having some painful cramping Saturday which made us nervous, and after calling our midwife we were more nervous, but willing to "wait and see what happens".

After 4 hours of every procedure from an ultrasound to a pelvic exam, blood tests & urine tests, we know that baby is fine. Actually, baby is more than fine. Baby is perfect.

Seeing our sweet baby on the ultrasound screen made me feel something I've never felt before. More love swelled in my heart for this tiny human than I knew possible. I laid there watching our baby move it's tiny feet, wave it's sweet hands, and arch it's little back in complete awe and wonder that this little child is ours. Through my tears I saw the technician hand me a sheet of pictures - those wonderful first moments watching my baby captured for us to look at whenever we wish. Because this was deemed an "emergency ultrasound", my poor husband wasn't allowed to be in the room. When I showed him the photos afterwards, he smiled wider than I've ever seen. I think he was feeling that swelling love. We spent the hour waiting for the results just staring at those sweet pictures, both completely lost in contentment, joy, and pride.

Sweet, sweet baby.

half eaten

2009-06-06T20:26:00.006-05:00

I found a fun blogger, and she posted about books she hadn't finished. It made me think about my bookshelf - yikes. Maybe by the end of THIS summer, they'll be read.

20,000 Leagues Under the Sea

A Farewell to Arms

Red-Hot Monogamy (don't laugh)

The Man in the Iron Mask

The Power of a Praying Wife

Passionate Housewives Desperate for God

Beloved Bride

Intimate Issues

Captivating

Red

Love Letters of Great Men

The Applause of Heaven

The Odyssey

Snow Falling on Cedars

less than a year

2009-05-28T11:15:00.005-05:00

In less than a year...

We will have a new born baby.

We're calling it Nemo for now.

Most of my closest friends will be married.

We will have celebrated our one year anniversary.

and John will deploy again.

wait, what was that last one??

2 days ago he told me that it was set in stone (a stone that the army would break if they didn't like what was written on it) that he would be going to Iraq in less than a year. My first thought was, at least it's not Afghanistan. My second thought was .. less than a year?? I just got him back! He's alive and safe, can we not jeopardize his life again and just keep it this way? Please pray for us. He gets angry when we talk about it, and I cry. Not really conducive to good communication.

On a lighter note.

We had people over on Sunday for Memorial Day. Yes, I know it's not really the sort of holiday you "celebrate", but John had a 4-day weekend and we wanted company. We're really starting to get to know people here, and I love it. Friends are wonderful things to have.

Marriage retreat this weekend!

thursday thoughts

2009-05-21T12:48:00.004-05:00

I think I'm going to make a quilt for our little babe.

All day sickness has really gotten the best of me the last week and a half or so. I spend most days on the couch (or floor) trying not to throw up the little bit of food I was able to eat. The days that I feel a little better, I can't seem to muster up the energy to do the things that I couldn't do while sick. Makes me feel like a bit of a failure to see my house the way it is.

We're hoping to have people over this weekend. I'm hoping I feel well enough to entertain. We shall see. It's nice to finally have a few acquaintances from church. Woohoo for new friends!

My next appointment with our midwife is in a little less than 2 weeks. I think that I'm going to go against my original refusal for all ultra sound devices and ask her to use the doppler to hear the heartbeat. I'm impatient to hear that sweet sound.

Psalms 100:3

"Know that the Lord, He is God; It is He who has made us, and not we ourselves;

We are His people and the sheep of His pasture."

bump!

2009-05-18T11:50:00.004-05:00

Baby Belly!

4 weeks

8 weeks

10 weeks 2 days

pregnancy

2009-05-14T10:24:00.007-05:00

I had heard that the less morning sickness you had, the more likely it was you were having a boy. When I hit 9 weeks and I still had only been a little nauseous at supper time, I figured we knew what we were having! I didn't account for this being my first pregnancy, and not knowing how my body responds to having a baby in my womb. 9 1/2 weeks is apparently when morning sickness kicks in for me, or at least for this pregnancy - and "morning sickness" turns into all-day-on-the-couch-trying-not-to-puke sickness. I'm fine when I am sleeping or laying down doing nothing. Now if I can only figure out how to clean the bathrooms, do laundry, and do dishes without moving from the couch ...

PS- slightest baby bump. I'm excited!!

mama's day

2009-05-10T11:48:00.002-05:00

I read the yesterday that expecting Mama's shouldn't be given things for Mother's Day.

Apparently my family didn't get the memo.

My husband gave me a single pink rose -

"because it's your first Mother's day.", he says,"next year I'll get you two",

dove chocolate, and tiramisu.

I received very wonderful cards, all of which made me cry.

My little baby even gave me a card, and told me how much s/he loves me,

and that s/he cannot wait to meet me, that daddy told him/her that I was beautiful.

My husband is incredible.

Thank you for blessing me today.

I cannot wait to meet this little angel.

Happy Mama's Day!

please Sir, may I have some more?

2009-05-09T13:04:00.002-05:00

oh how I long to be disciplined and organized.

I want to be so much more.

more inclined to be creative.

more desiring beauty over comfort.

magpies

2009-05-06T13:43:00.003-05:00

After a pretty rough day, I could think of nothing better than a walk at sunset through the valleys with my husband.

Welcome to last night.

The sun sets behind the mountains, so seeing a beautiful sunset is near impossible where we are at, but last night we could see the colors of what was going on behind the mountains reflected in the clouds. The sky turned the slightest shade of purple, and the clouds where a glowing golden shade of red. Bunny's were crossing the path in front of us, and birds were soaring over head. At the very end of our walk we came to a pond with so much life, I just sat staring at it for what seemed like forever. A caterpillar nest was high a tree, and magpies were resting on the lower branches. A goose was huddled on the opposite side of the pond, and a beaver was swimming on the close side, in and out of the tall, dead cat tails.

It was so peaceful. It's amazing how a walk in nature connects you to the Lord.

Next time, I won't forget my camera.

2009-04-26T20:59:00.003-05:00

Surely children weren't made for the streets

And fathers were not made to leave

Surely this isn't how it should be

Let your kingdom come

Surely nations were not made for war

Or the broken meant to be ignored

Surely this just can't be what You saw

Let Your kingdom come

Here in my heart

I will live

To carry Your compassion

To love a world that's broken

To be Your hands and feet

I will live

With the life that I've been given

And go beyond religion

To see the world be changed

By the power of Your name

Surely life wasn't made to regret

And the lost were not made to forget

Surely faith without actions is dead

Let Your kingdom come

Lord, break this heart

Your name

Is a shelter for the hurting

Jesus Your name

Is a refuge for the weak

Only Your name

Can redeem the undeserving

Jesus Your name

Holds everything I need

illness, dates and babies

2009-04-24T09:45:00.004-05:00

sinus infection

bronchitis

morning/afternoon sickness

it's figures i'd have all three at the same time.

John and I went to a Dave Ramsey event last weekend. We are more inspired than ever to get our finances into a tight budget. If you have never heard of him, there is a link on the side of my blog to his site. Go, and sin no more.

Since the end of leave, John has been at work 10-12 hour days almost every day; not actually working, mind you, just looking handsome in his uniform and waiting for an order. We haven't been able to spend much time together, as he doesn't usually come home until dinner, and is generally sound asleep by 7.

Yesterday we both knew that we needed to do something fun, so we went to Starbucks and drove through Garden of the Gods. It was fabulous! We went on a road up to a shooting range, and before I knew it we were on a mountain looking over the entire city as the sun set. It was so wonderful. I love good days with my hubby.

This is what our baby looks like. See the little bulge in the front, under it's head? That is it's wonderfully beating heart. Isn't it wonderful thing - that this child is a product of our love. Incredible.

rain, rain

2009-04-16T18:41:00.004-05:00

the house is quiet, dimmly lit

thunder is rolling over the mountains and into welcoming ears

lightening strikes remind that nothing is in our hands

one, drop - three, drops

cover the earth, drops

our wedding - part one

2009-04-11T12:15:00.018-05:00

John and I have been married for 6 months as of Thursday.

Many people have asked me to record the entire process, as a testament to the Lord's all-knowing goodness. Our busy lives haven't afforded me time to blog about our beautiful wedding day, about how the Lord blessed us beyond what I ever could have imagined and gave us our dream wedding.

My husband has declared this snowy Saturday a lazy day. 6 months later, it's story time.

John was deployed from December 4th of 2007 through February 16th of 2009. He was (and still is) stationed at Fort Carson, Colorado, and I was living in Texas. We met in high school, while my family was living in Maine. Although we both were living far away from where our relationship started, we still had a love in our heart for Maine's simple beauty, and my family had always desired to move back to our beloved state.

January 19th of 2008 John called my Daddy at 5 o'clock in the morning and asked if he could marry me. At 5:30, John called me and asked if I would be his bride - and of course I said yes. The next question was the when. We knew that he would get leave (18 days to come home and see family) some time during the deployment, and we were hoping to get married during that time. This was his first deployment, which could land him the earliest leave slot - February. We were afraid for that date for a few reasons: it would make our wedding an impossible thing over leave, and we wouldn't see each other for a year after that. We prayed, and someone volunteered for February's slot - and March, and April. The next month that we were sure he was going to get was May. My Mama was due in May, and we knew that if that is when he came home, she wouldn't be able to fly to Maine for the wedding, so it would have to be in Texas. John is not a picky man, except when it comes to food. The only thing he really wanted for our wedding, was for it to take place in Maine. At the last minute, someone volunteered for May. The entire summer of leave slots were taken by returning soldiers, so our next opportunity was the fall - October to be specific. We had enough time to work out the details so we were going to have the wedding in Pennsylvania on my Grandfather's land. It was a half way point for our families, and since we were not going to know the exact dates of his leave until 3 weeks before he would be here, booking a church/reception location was borderline impossible - this location gave us exact what we needed.

In July, my Daddy was offered a position as Senior Chief at the company he works for - the position was in Maine. For the full story on that, you'll have to read this. The catch was that there was no telling exactly when we would be moving to Maine, which meant that it could be around the time of the wedding, which meant I needed to plan for the wedding to be there. 8 weeks before our wedding.

to be continued ...

the 12th of December

2009-04-06T20:52:00.005-05:00

I gave John a little gift bag with an old fashioned Pooh bear wearing little blue booties, and a pink hat yesterday. The card told him that in 8 months he's going to be a daddy.

He cried.

John & I went to the doctors today, and I think it was the only time that I walked away smiling.

We found out that there is a sweet child nestled safely in my belly, and it will make it's way into the world around December 12th, a perfect little Christmas present.

We are so excited.